Tuesday, June 15, 2010

self sabotage

is anyone else familiar with this classic self-demoralizer?
i sabotaged a decent, fun, playful, exciting relationship.
why do i do this to myself.
my chances with this lady are now slim to none.
thanks to my self-sabotage.
the friendship?
moderate to slim.
i'm in shock.
in such shock that it's just hitting me like a ton of bricks.
i have to learn to build trust with others.
how does one start this process?
it seems a vicious cycle.
how do i find the people with whom to build trust.
i thought i found that person.
i used to trust what people were telling me.
now i'm always convinced it's not the truth.
that i'm being manipulated.
that in some way i'm the butt of everyone's joke.
that i'm walking around with a fucking "kick me" sign on my back.

perhaps i'm the living, breathing cosmic joke?
will this rain ever stop?
portland, i love you, but yr killing me with all this rain.
i can't handle it.
please, help a sister out.
i'm having a hard enough time bucking up ... but no sun?
oh, there are a few records i'm listening to right now.
you should too.

santogold by santogold
both sides of the gun by ben harper
for emma, forever ago by bon iver
brotherhood [disc1] by the chemical brothers
let it die by feist
human amusements at hourly rates by guided by voices
the blueprint 3 by jay-z
batten the hatches by jenny owens young
the fame monster by lady gaga
live at the gorge - september 5, 2005 [disc 2] by pearl jam
new adventures in hi-fi by r.e.m.
lady croissant [live] by sia
daytrotter session 3/20/2010 by this providence
daytrotter session 6/8/2009 by tricky [SXSW session]