tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-50721075480756335182024-03-13T15:12:28.263-07:00tVZv3carynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02387531837838738996noreply@blogger.comBlogger193125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5072107548075633518.post-54000532873007729072013-06-21T10:57:00.000-07:002013-06-21T10:57:03.482-07:00forced entryso i've been trying to think of all the stuff i used to do that made me happy.<br />
writing was one of them.<br />
i thought i could force myself to try and write one entry here a day.<br />
not sure how i feel about forced entry.<br />
anne lamott (my writing idol) says that she forces herself to sit and write for at least an hour a day. <br />
bird by bird.<br />
shitty first drafts.<br />
<br />
the stuff i encounter daily must have some merit for writing about.<br />
today is a bad example.<br />
laundry.<br />
cleaning.<br />
oh. <br />
i've had a fight with my girlfriend.<br />
it's all consuming.<br />
it's probably my fault.<br />
my brain doesn't control my mouth.<br />
[it should, right?]<br />
the second shit comes out i try to fold it back up and return it to it's place.<br />
[which should be my brain, right?]<br />
the hole closes very fast only to create a new one of a different shape so it doesn't fit back in properly.<br />
my experience with this is so limited.<br />
it's an excellent learning experience.<br />
truth seems to be the best way to go.<br />
but it almost always get me in some kind of trouble.<br />
i've verbalized my lack of thoughtful delivery.<br />
[i'm working on it! i really am.]<br />
we can only learn from our mistakes and move forward.<br />
which is what i will do today.<br />
<br />
forced entry.<br />
<i>whew.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<br />carynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02387531837838738996noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5072107548075633518.post-89079057149903700552013-05-25T00:28:00.002-07:002013-05-25T00:30:36.061-07:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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me & sara went to tiny house.<br />
olympia washington.<br />
puget sound.<br />
silence.<br />
love.<br />
ahhhhhh.<br />
xo carynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02387531837838738996noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5072107548075633518.post-4207433593098117192012-12-31T13:38:00.001-08:002012-12-31T13:38:59.639-08:002012<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
2012 done. <br />
i've had so many highs and lows they were hard to capture. <br />
i can't complain so here's some of the fun stuff i did.carynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02387531837838738996noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5072107548075633518.post-17431858207697212282012-08-15T16:46:00.001-07:002012-08-15T16:46:22.376-07:00obf 2012<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
a small video of the good times at oregon brewers festival 2012.<br />
we tasted some delicious beers and laughed a lot.<br />
we even cried for a minute.<br />
glad dad was here.<br />
bill may rethink his strategy for next years festival.<br />
sister <i>has </i>to come for next years festival.<br />
good times.<br />
thank you.carynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02387531837838738996noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5072107548075633518.post-13286119962098152202011-10-21T10:57:00.000-07:002011-10-21T10:58:22.755-07:00orcas islandhere's the movie i made from my orcas island birthday trip.<br />
i'm not super happy with it, but i had to let it go. not really down with windows movie maker either. boring. <br />
i loved orcas.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dwAqR-XYVc5LgfDrZTnJIF2cJ572PhGDlXAOZFC22JyxPOnbSvrC0H4kBLFL8DpvZ1KCCVygtyH4Wyr3b5naA' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>carynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02387531837838738996noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5072107548075633518.post-32240476040768094552011-05-02T21:24:00.000-07:002011-05-02T21:28:23.722-07:00liquid diamonds<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(39, 50, 71); font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 11px; ">surrender then start your engines<br />you'll know quite soon what my mistake was<br />for those on horseback or dog sled<br />you turn at the bend in the road<br />i hear she still <nobr><a id="FALINK_1_0_0" class="FAAdLink" href="http://www.hereinmyhead.com/collect/choir/choir7.html#" style="font-size: 8pt; font-family: Verdana, Arial; color: rgb(243, 91, 0) !important; text-decoration: underline !important; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 1px !important; padding-left: 0px; background-color: transparent !important; border-bottom-color: rgb(243, 91, 0) !important; border-bottom-style: solid !important; border-bottom-width: 1px !important; font-weight: normal !important; display: inline !important; ">grants</a></nobr> forgiveness<br />although i willingly forgot her<br />the offering is molasses and you say<br />i guess i'm an underwater thing so i<br />guess i can't take it personally<br />i guess i'm an underwater thing<br />i'm liquid running<br />there's a sea secret in me<br />it's plain to see it is rising<br />but i must be flowing liquid diamonds<br />calling for my soul<br />at the corners of the world<br />i know she's playing poker<br />with the rest of the stragglers<br />calling for my soul<br />at the corners of the world<br />i know she's playing power<br />and if your friends don't come back to you<br />and you know this is madness<br />a lilac mess in your prom dress<br />and you say<br />i guess i'm an underwater thing</span><br /><div>~tori amos~</div>carynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02387531837838738996noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5072107548075633518.post-60822245403758924242011-02-14T10:15:00.000-08:002011-02-14T10:39:58.937-08:00still lives<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dwZEaps-bd1mqNgKYfAA7bDdNOOqdF6U-dScR5AetH2eUUKTqiPtLbyglT7gu5UV1DwWpe9XIXtiVrecMN8pA' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe><div><br /></div><div>here's just a little movie i made. </div><div>i took these photos along the san joaquin river.</div><div>on the way to aj & us' house.</div><div><br /></div>carynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02387531837838738996noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5072107548075633518.post-9806948242405301042010-11-22T12:05:00.000-08:002010-11-22T12:20:12.536-08:00gaga v madonnawe had a little discussion at work regarding gaga's total rip off of 80's madonna. here's the situation - gaga's tunes are particularly catchy and i quite like the music. however i don't get her wacky performance art [i.e. the meat dress] and her personification. madonna's point was very clear -- be the best. appeal to as many as possible. blend with the ebbs and flows of the music/entertainment industry. gaga has yet had an opportunity to prove that she's just as solid as madonna in that department. similarities: the music is very similar - catchy, great to dance to at the gay bar and a hook that stays in the brain for weeks on end. [<i>stop callin' i don't want to talk anymore i left my head and my heart on the dance floor</i>] pissing moms off across the land. guaranteeing never to be on the ellen degeneres show after sitting next to the vegan in aforementioned meat dress. edgy and the gays love her. hmmm. sounds like bette midler and cher before them. <div>can gaga change with the times though? not certain - it all seems very calculated so perhaps she's got something brewing.<div>whaddya all think? </div><div>madonna or gaga.</div></div>carynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02387531837838738996noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5072107548075633518.post-44632093368280100062010-11-03T12:29:00.000-07:002010-11-03T13:08:00.679-07:00revelations<object width="640" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/OzDIPN8Uxsk?fs=1&hl=en_US"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/OzDIPN8Uxsk?fs=1&hl=en_US" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="640" height="385"></embed></object><br /><br />two days ago portia de rossi was on the oprah winfrey show talking about her struggles with anorexia, bulimia and coming out as a homosexual. i was surprisingly off that day and decided since it was oprah's last season, i oughta watch it. there she was talking about her book <u>unbearable lightness a story of loss and gain</u>. her madness of anorexia and bulimia. madness. she was crazy. she hated herself so much and had such a skewed image of her body [and how hollywood didn't help...]. she isolated herself to lonliness and puked her guts out after eating entire bags of cheetos and making herself throw it up into a bag somewhere behind a dumpster and use her t-shirt to clean herself up, only to toss it away and get back in her car and drive off. she never let anyone know how miserable she was. 82 pounds was her all time low. 168 her highest. i was shocked that she felt so bad about herself. i would look at someone like her, just like most of us would, and my closeted homo mind would think <i>wow, she's beautiful. there's rumors of her gayness. how amazing would it be if someone who looked like her would come out. showing the world that you don't have to be stereotypically "dyk-ish" to be queer. things will be different by the time she comes out...if she ever does.</i> i found myself drawn more to her story of her coming out. it seemed so much like mine. the fear. the shame. the loneliness. the isolation. the sadness. hating yrself, literally hating yrself for not being "normal" - like my sister or ... just everyone. i didn't know anyone who was gay growing up and let's face it, it was the 80's and i didn't start hearing about queers until AIDS came to be and then it was only men the media focused on. i didn't have any gay role models. kd lang had been out, but i didn't relate to her. ellen coming out in 1997 was historic. any lesbian around my age knows just where they watched her come out on national television. it was beautiful. portia came out in 2004 - when she began dating ellen. hmm. she's my age. how weird must it be to be dating, and soon marry, such an iconic lesbian. how weird...but how fucking normal. they seem to love each other so much and she credits ellen for showing her that love can save you. corny. true. i think.<div>her mother's struggle struck me too. i chose to not officially come out to my parents until i realized i'd been cheated on and broken up with. i needed my mommy. i told her meredith was leaving me. i knew it. it's ok if she would have been a little more honest and done it before she began cheating, perhaps it would have ended differently. i hear through friends that she's well. i'm glad. we all deserve love in our lives. i'll never forgive her for what she did to me, but i wish her well. mommy listened and told me it'd all be alright. her and dad would help me get the hell out of there. i was to look for an apartment immediately and they would foot the bill no questions asked. i felt awful after i hung up the phone. here i was 600 miles away and still running to mommy and daddy. depending on my parents like my safety net. they were NEVER not there to catch me. i felt like i'd used my mom that day to cry to. i never let her know anything that was going on. i lied to her. by not telling, i lied. i looked that day, found a place and then wrote my parents a 5 page letter explaining how gay i was and that by not telling them that it looked like i was ashamed of it. and i wasn't. i think about that now and know it wasn't true. i was ashamed of being gay. i felt like i let my parents down. that i wouldn't produce grandchildren for them or have a conventional life. i didn't want them to be disappointed or worry about me. they don't worry so much of my sister because she's happily married to probably the greatest guy ever. she's being taken care of. my life is this circle of people, my sister, tim, b j l , mom, dad. what if they decided it wasn't cool? what if my sister didn't let me see the boys anymore. my beloved boys. what if? i'd never know because i kept it a secret up until i was about to move to portland and i'd grown so close with my sister. i told her one day over coffee on her couch. i won't forget her reaction. i then felt bad for telling her and probably ruining her life. great, good job caryn. i hated myself for being selfish enough to just be me. i wanted to please and i was gonna do it. my sister and i didn't talk for a few weeks. but because i was moving to portland we were forced to see each other before i left. she cried and told me her truth. i cried too. i felt bad for leading her on all this time. my sister. unconditional love. i felt like even though i was moving away in a few weeks, we'd just solidified our relationship for life. my sister went to number 1 on the speed dial. for her, i die. truth. honesty. it's amazing. i always wondered what it would be like to someday be able to repay my parents for being who <i>they</i> are and instilling it in me and my sister - and now their grandchildren. letting us be just who we are and celebrating it to their friends. this is how i do it. today, i choose to be happy. live a happy life to repay my parents for what they've done for me. i do that because i know that's all they want for both my sister and me.</div><div>i now live my life so openly. i chose to go to a silent retreat and it opened the door for this kind of thinking. i was ashamed of being gay. of embarrassing my family. it's kept me from getting the kind of relationship i want - love, a partner who <i>wants</i> <i>to be with just me</i>. for me. for who <i>i</i> am. for once. as morrissey once said </div><div><i><blockquote></blockquote>please, for once in my life let me get what i want/lord knows it would be the first time</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div>[i didn't read this before publishing. it may be pulled once i am actually sane and re-read it! enjoy while it's here...]</div>carynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02387531837838738996noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5072107548075633518.post-89599415128473688512010-09-19T19:17:00.000-07:002010-09-19T19:52:12.222-07:00tha gorge<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dx3hVAN_zC5zRYJ0Riv4pVYEeUdssBuHpeX5x5exbyboviq9W8DuFa6tv-vj-Q6sqkclgYV_SRQq1TpgoWH9A' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe>carynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02387531837838738996noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5072107548075633518.post-83161566248397300892010-07-14T16:37:00.000-07:002010-07-14T16:54:17.865-07:00an inward playlisthey everyone.<div>i'm definitely writing about my vipassana experience and plan to post it here in a fun way. i can't wait to share it here. while there i had a playlist in my head. go-to songs if you will. </div><div><br /></div><div>empire state of mind ... jay-z and alicia keyes [i'm glad i know all the words or it would have been really annoying. yes, i know all the words. shocked? didn't think so. <i>if jesus payin lebron, i'm payin' dwayne wade</i>]</div><div>little earthquakes ... tori amos [i don't mean the song 'little earthquakes' i mean the entire record. during one of my many non-meditating meditation sittings i sang the entire record from start to finish. 'crucify' to 'happy phantom' [which made me so happy when it popped up!] to 'little earthquakes' i sang em all!]</div><div>there's a hole in the bucket, dear liza ... unknown camp song [it's true. i couldn't help it. it would just come. <i>then fix it, dear henry dear henry dear henry</i>.]</div><div>hot in herre ... jenny owens young [jenny's version is far superior to the original. sorry nelly. it's just really a ridiculous song. <i>why you at the bar if you ain't poppin the bottles what good is all this fame if you ain't f**kin the models</i>]</div><div><br /></div><div>that's it. pretty short list. i really did go silent there for about 7 days. total silence. body speech and mind. i wasn't thinking about song lyrics. for once. usually i'm singing something up there! days 8 and 9 were spent singing. the tori amos record was just so amazing to have recorded in my brain. i just love it and it speaks to me so personally. like she read every woman my age's diaries. all of em! then she made such a brilliant record of it for all of us to keep and cherrish and use for comfort when truly needed. i need 'little earthquakes' and it was there for me! thanks tori.</div><div><br /></div><div>yellow bird flying</div><div>gets shot in the wing</div><div>good year for hunters</div><div>and christmas parties</div><div>and i hate</div><div>and i hate</div><div>and i hate</div><div>elevator music</div><div>the way we fight</div><div>the why i'm left here</div><div>silent</div><div>oh these little earthquakes</div><div>here we go again</div><div>oh these little earthquakes</div><div>doesn't take much to rip us into pieces</div><div>we danced in graveyards</div><div>with vampires till dawn</div><div>we danced in the faces of kings</div><div>never afraid to burn</div><div>and i hate</div><div>and i hate</div><div>and i hate</div><div>disintegration</div><div>watching us wither</div><div>black winged roses that safely change their color</div><div>i can't reach you</div><div>i can't reach you</div><div>give me life</div><div>give me pain</div><div>give me myself again</div><div>give me life</div><div>give me pain</div><div>give me myself again</div><div>oh these little earthquakes</div><div>here we go again</div><div>oh these little earthquakes</div><div>doesn't take much to rip us in to pieces</div><div>-tori amos</div>carynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02387531837838738996noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5072107548075633518.post-44790573871408938712010-07-11T07:53:00.000-07:002010-07-11T08:19:28.693-07:00dland 2006<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dyjy4kSMOvnBGrOE9ASRw-Tnox2fs5GW7ZeJRZ1HEkr0WMS_lqCQx_eysefbzlq3uKLZOHWX9vHhGGsRiILlA' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe>carynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02387531837838738996noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5072107548075633518.post-80237547603195899622010-07-11T07:02:00.000-07:002010-07-11T07:18:34.578-07:00dland 2010<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dx8yInrWBojvfXPmO9ZdkdjcolrLHFDVUWzUlJP0Lwh6IxhEMBWHBTzLci6Lm1Ovcc01FUTsKI8G8eIfYpSvQ' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe><div><br /></div><div>another fun family trip to the happiest place on earth. </div><div><br /></div>carynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02387531837838738996noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5072107548075633518.post-26990087231662777102010-06-15T23:26:00.001-07:002010-06-15T23:51:14.530-07:00self sabotageis anyone else familiar with this classic self-demoralizer?<div>i sabotaged a decent, fun, playful, exciting relationship.</div><div>why.</div><div>why do i do this to myself.</div><div>my chances with this lady are now slim to none.</div><div>thanks to my self-sabotage.</div><div>the friendship?</div><div>moderate to slim.</div><div>i'm in shock. </div><div>in such shock that it's just hitting me like a ton of bricks.</div><div>i have to learn to build trust with others.</div><div>again.</div><div>how does one start this process?</div><div>it seems a vicious cycle.</div><div><div>how do i find the people with whom to build trust.</div><div>i thought i found that person.</div><div>briefly.</div></div><div>i used to trust what people were telling me.</div><div>now i'm always convinced it's not the truth.</div><div>that i'm being manipulated.</div><div>that in some way i'm the butt of everyone's joke.</div><div>that i'm walking around with a fucking "kick me" sign on my back.</div><div><br /></div><div>perhaps i'm the living, breathing cosmic joke?</div><div>--</div><div>will this rain ever stop? </div><div>portland, i love you, but yr killing me with all this rain.</div><div>i can't handle it.</div><div>please, help a sister out.</div><div>i'm having a hard enough time bucking up ... but no sun?</div><div>c'mon!</div><div>--</div><div>oh, there are a few records i'm listening to right now. </div><div>you should too.</div><div><br /></div><div><i>santogold</i> by santogold</div><div><i>both sides of the gun </i>by ben harper</div><div><i>for emma, forever ago </i>by bon iver</div><div><i><a href="http://www.daytrotter.com/dt/bob-mould-concert/20030635-828.html">daytrotter session 3/31/2009</a> </i>by bob mould</div><div><i>brotherhood [disc1] </i>by the chemical brothers</div><div><i>let it die </i>by feist</div><div><i>human amusements at hourly rates </i>by guided by voices</div><div><i>the blueprint 3 </i>by jay-z</div><div><i>batten the hatches </i>by jenny owens young</div><div><i>the fame monster </i>by lady gaga</div><div><i>live at the gorge - september 5, 2005 [disc 2] </i>by pearl jam</div><div><i>new adventures in hi-fi </i>by r.e.m.</div><div><i>lady croissant [live] </i>by sia</div><div><i><a href="http://www.daytrotter.com/dt/bob-mould-concert/20030635-828.html">daytrotter session 3/20/2010</a> </i>by this providence</div><div><i><a href="http://www.daytrotter.com/dt/tricky-concert/20030666-8228.html">daytrotter session 6/8/2009</a> </i>by tricky [SXSW session]</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>carynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02387531837838738996noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5072107548075633518.post-29583245965021836102010-05-18T01:30:00.000-07:002010-05-18T01:33:46.850-07:00bad daybad day.<div>ended very bad.</div><div>i just want to sleep.</div><div><br /></div>carynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02387531837838738996noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5072107548075633518.post-38501899785947426752010-04-29T08:29:00.000-07:002010-04-29T10:49:03.313-07:00randoms of "new" music<i>falling down</i> ... scarlett johansson [yeah, the actress. she has a strange eclectic voice. this album of ton waits covers is so weird. her voice is concrete blonde - ish and sounds nothing like her authentic old-timey voice she uses on pete yorn's record.]<div><i>for today i am a boy </i>... antony & the johnsons [this MtoF transexual sounds like edith piaff sometimes.]</div><div><i>sheela na gig</i> ... pj harvey [pj has had a serious resurgence in my life. thank god. her debut record, <i>dry</i> is so unbelievable. anything from this record is a true gem.]</div><div><i>yellow ledbetter </i>... pearl jam [i got this 7-disc live at the gorge cd at the library. all 7 cd's are amazing. not easy to say about live recordings. pearl jam - i've been dying to see them live.]</div><div><i>trying my best to love you </i>... jenny lewis [this album is a lovely follow-up to her wonderful <i>rabbit fur coat</i> from a couple of years ago.]</div><div><i>say so </i>... uh-huh her [alice from <i>the L word</i>'s band. i love alice, formally of lezzie bands gush and the murmurs. this record is pretty gay, so if yr a "bian" check this one out.]</div><div><i>fancy </i>... yeah yeah yeahs [i'm pretty much down with anything YYY's. this is not a cover of the country song.]</div><div><i>whiskey can can </i>... beck [yes it can can]</div><div><i>baligaga </i>... tricky [love his beats. kinda sexy.]</div><div><i>someday soon </i>... cowboy junkies [the first song i've ever heard that margo is not leading the vocals.]</div><div><i>christians inferno </i>... green day [<i>21st century breakdown</i> is good but no <i>american idiot</i>.]</div><div><i>daydreamer </i>... adele [i love this debut record by adele. her voice is amazing and the songs are beautiful and age appropriate.]</div><div><i>i feel it all </i>... feist [her music is always a journey for me.]</div><div><i>baba o'riley </i>... pearl jam</div><div><i>a bad sign </i>... michael penn [cool record in which he's taken on the persona of <i>mr hollywood jr 1947</i>]</div><div><i>paris is burning </i>... st. vincent [thanks jenn!]</div><div><i>rain check </i>... ani difranco [surprisingly just getting in to ani...i'm so behind!]</div><div><i>so fast, so numb </i>... r.e.m. [found one of my favorite r.e.m. records at the library. i lost this one in the divorce and it somehow never found it's way into the itunes library.]</div><div><i>georgia </i>... the 1900's [from daytrotter.com]</div><div><br /></div>carynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02387531837838738996noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5072107548075633518.post-16068367877222417542010-04-29T07:58:00.000-07:002010-04-29T08:25:18.869-07:00vipassana and life<span style="font-style:italic;"><blockquote>"<a href="http://www.kunja.dhamma.org/">Vipassana</a> is one of India's most ancient meditation techniques. It is the process of self-purification by self-observation. One begins by observing the natural breath to concentrate the mind. Then, with a sharpened awareness, one proceeds to observe the changing nature of body and mind and experiences the universal truths of impermanence, suffering and egolessness. This truth-realization by direct experience results in mental purification.<br /><br />The technique is a universal remedy for universal problems and has nothing to do with any organized religion or sectarianism. It can be freely practiced by anyone without conflict due to race, community or religion, and will prove equally beneficial to one and all." <blockquote><span style="font-style:italic;"><span style="font-style:italic;"></span></span></blockquote></blockquote><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">i've been enrolled in a 10-day silent meditation retreat in southern washington. for those of you wondering if i am stable enough or determined enough to do it - you know it. i've talked to both my physician and my counselor and they both think it's a great idea for me. i'm so lost -- just personally. i'm dealing with all this (silently and not so silently!):</span></span><div><ul><li>no money. i'm not just saying, like, i'm broke. i'm saying i am dead broke. like "how do i keep shelter and food going" broke.</li><li>loss of a friendship that i shouldn't even be worrying about.</li><li>the near loss of a friendship that i should be nurturing.</li><li>trying to bump my self-esteem back up.</li><li>listening to scully meow continuously.</li><li>i'm a trailblazer fan. (that's really hard!)</li><li>how can i handle a friendship with someone i have feelings of like for, who feels similar but isn't ready to feel similar? am i ready to be feeling that way?</li><li>i haven't been home to see my nephews and niece since christmas.</li><li>self-sabotage.</li><li>i have several sick relatives i think about everyday.</li><li>honesty. truth.</li></ul><div>these are the things i am grateful for:</div><div><ul><li>sharon. she keeps it real with me. always. i'm beyond grateful.</li><li>diane jana helen jenn - my portland family.</li><li>mom dad kris tim brent joe lauren.</li><li>the rest of em.</li><li>shelter.</li><li>work - my awesome job. the job i have never once gotten up in the morning and not wanted to go there. my co-workers always lift my spirits. kd julia t are rays of true sunshine! your spirits can't help but be lifted.</li><li>the love of my meowing cat!</li><li>no car payment. (and that trixie is reliable!)</li><li>a coffee place right across the street. what a gem that place is!</li><li>being a trailblazer fan and season ticket holder. i can't afford it and i thought of not renewing. i waited until the last minute to renew. </li><li>i got to date a really hot chick for about 3 months. the fact that someone was interested in me - even if just for a second. i forgot how wonderful that can feel - especially when you feel the same. </li><li>my neighbor has chilled the fuck out.</li><li>nature. portland is so beautiful. i've made an effort to get out and see it since returning from belize.</li></ul><div>the scales are almost even. that's no good. i look forward to my retreat and learning how to center myself, how to respect my thoughts, how to respect me. it's never been easy for me but i'm gonna give it a go. i want all this taken care of by 40 so i can take a fucking break from all this and enjoy my life. my one life.</div></div><div><br /></div></div>carynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02387531837838738996noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5072107548075633518.post-23241784911156425042010-04-27T16:32:00.000-07:002010-04-27T16:33:08.995-07:00well?i like the new layout.<br />you?carynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02387531837838738996noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5072107548075633518.post-12479074564656253052010-04-27T09:20:00.001-07:002010-04-27T09:20:44.829-07:00and the sadness prevails...i miss her already.carynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02387531837838738996noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5072107548075633518.post-16611709515507312632010-03-26T08:27:00.001-07:002010-04-29T08:27:34.413-07:00equality“Proposition 8 changed (things). Really for the first time in my life, I felt like I knew what it was like to feel discrimination and hatred. I felt less-than. I felt like my government was telling me that I wasn’t as important as everyone else and that I didn’t deserve the same rights and freedoms. I found myself having discussions with so-called liberal people about the word ‘marriage’ and I discovered that my expectation at being considered equal and wanting to be treated as such was extreme. So I started talking. I talked about injustice and inequality wherever I could. I shared private details of my life with Ellen to make a point and I talked about my frustration that a basic human right could be taken away by a majority vote. I developed a knack for turning any question into a discussion about gay marriage. ... And I won’t stop talking until equality is achieved and there’s nothing left to talk about.”<br /><br />Portia de Rossi at the Human Rights Campaign’s Los Angeles Hero Awards Dinner, March 14, as transcribed by lgbtpov.com.carynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02387531837838738996noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5072107548075633518.post-8712772900761128952010-03-13T19:30:00.000-08:002010-03-13T19:42:53.070-08:00cycleshow come happiness comes in "waves"?<br />and then, just like a wave it goes away again.<br />then, it fucking has the decency to show it's face again.<br />and it's elation again.<br />then it's just a fucking bummer again.<br />why can't happiness come in something contained.<br />in a sealed off tank where it couldn't get out.<br />i wanna capture it and seal it off.<br />cause it feels so good - even the memory of it.<br />happiness that makes me smile.<br />feel something.<br />happiness that makes me just want to cry.<br />i can't seem to hang on to it, however.<br />it's like i have to be so aware of it to feel it.<br />why can't i just feel it like everyone else does.<br />how come it doesn't come naturally to me?<br />so many wonderful things in my life now.<br />it shouldn't be so complicated.<br /><br />i think this all may be the result of too much therapy, for gods sake! oh and pms. i do feel all that and i'm glad i let the stream in my head out. not getting it out is how i start my cycle. it's an ugly cycle and i don't like caryn stuck in that cycle.carynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02387531837838738996noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5072107548075633518.post-21278616597965470632010-03-09T14:48:00.001-08:002010-03-09T14:48:45.296-08:00andre dunks ... watch it<object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/R-JVgm7F1QA&hl=en_US&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/R-JVgm7F1QA&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>carynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02387531837838738996noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5072107548075633518.post-88555525707191870392010-03-09T14:15:00.000-08:002010-03-09T14:45:54.060-08:00a playlist[just like old times...]<br /><br />i hadn't done a playlist for a while and i'd been listening to this one for some time now.<br /><br />'are you experienced' ... belly [i love this cover]<br />'re stacks' ... bon iver [my co-worker michael told me to listen to these guys]<br />'you can do better than me ' ... death cab for cutie [i put this on my playlist because the title is awesome - so's the song]<br />'furr' ... blitzen trapper<br />'say that you'll do it' ... at dusk [got this from the library - i liked the cover]<br />'life & times' ... bob mould [from daytrotter sessions - awesome]<br />'<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_FhVbyeWFvo&feature=PlayList&p=4860105B69CB08A0&index=1">this tornado loves you</a>' ... neko case [this song has been in heavy rotation for some time now - i can't seem to tire of it]<br />'carbon' ... tori amos [i love this gem from the underrated "scarlet's walk"]<br />'man-size' & 'perfect day elise' ... pj harvey [had to have pj]<br />'i feel it' ... feist<br />'loved you all along' ... la strada [another band i discovered on <a href="http://www.daytrotter.com/">daytrotter</a>]<br />'acid tongue' ... jenny lewis [into this record right now]<br />'one' ... cowboy junkies [i think a beautiful cover of this song]<br />'<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xl2Yy5WJYYI">heavy cross</a>' ... the gossip [i didn't dig this song to begin with - it's grown on me quite a bit]<br />'girls just wanna have fun' ... starfucker [fun cover]<br />'fuck was i' ... jenny owens young [her version of '<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JIYKPjalb6Q&feature=PlayList&p=73218DC4D6CB3689&index=18">hot in herre</a>' is really amazing - watch out for the big stuffed animals]<br />'<a href="http://www.daytrotter.com/dt/carly-simon-concert/20030430-1107.html">you're so vain</a>' ... carly simon [daytrotter version - greatly updated and like new]carynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02387531837838738996noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5072107548075633518.post-72424362564335158122010-02-19T16:54:00.000-08:002010-02-19T16:55:37.066-08:00<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/6AvBL2Mx2xA&hl=en_US&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/6AvBL2Mx2xA&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>carynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02387531837838738996noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5072107548075633518.post-79151224131401860882010-02-02T19:22:00.000-08:002010-02-02T19:25:32.634-08:00anii cannot name this<br />i cannot explain this<br />and i really don't want to<br />just call me shameless<br />i can't even slow this down<br />let alone stop this<br />and i keep looking around<br />but i cannot top this<br /><br />if i had any sense<br />i guess i'd fear this<br />i guess i'd keep it down<br />so no one would hear this<br />i guess i'd shut my mouth<br />and rethink a minute<br />but i can't shut it now<br />'cuz there's something in it<br /><br />we're in a room without a door<br />and i am sure without a doubt<br />they're gonna wanna know<br />how we got in here<br />and they're gonna wanna know<br />how we plan to get out<br />we better have a good explanation<br />for all the fun that we had<br />'cuz they are coming for us, baby<br />they are going to be mad<br />they are going to be mad at us<br /><br />this is my skeleton<br />this is the skin it's in<br />that is, according to light<br />and gravity<br />i'll take off my disguise<br />the mask you met me in<br />'cuz i got something<br />for you to see<br />just gimme your skeleton<br />give me the skin it's in<br />yeah baby, this is you<br />according to me<br />i never avert my eyes<br />i never compromise<br />so nevermind<br />the poetry<br /><br />i gotta cover my butt 'cuz i covet<br />another man's wife<br />i got to divide my emotions<br />between wrong and right<br />then i get to see how close i can get to it<br />without giving in<br />then i get to rub up against it<br />till i break the skin<br />rub up against it<br />till i break the skin<br /><br />they're gonna be mad at us<br />they're gonna be mad at me and you<br />yeah, they're gonna be mad at us<br />and all the things we wanna do<br />they're gonna be mad at us<br />they're gonna be mad at me and you<br />they're gonna be mad at us<br />and all the things we like do<br /><br />just please don't name this<br />please don't explain this<br />just blame it all on me<br />say i was shameless<br />say i couldn't slow it down<br />let alone stop it<br />and say you just hung around<br />'cuz you couldn't top itcarynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02387531837838738996noreply@blogger.com0