tVZv3

orcas island

2011-10-21T10:57:00.000-07:00

here's the movie i made from my orcas island birthday trip.
i'm not super happy with it, but i had to let it go. not really down with windows movie maker either. boring.
i loved orcas.

liquid diamonds

2011-05-02T21:24:00.000-07:00

surrender then start your engines
you'll know quite soon what my mistake was
for those on horseback or dog sled
you turn at the bend in the road
i hear she still grants forgiveness
although i willingly forgot her
the offering is molasses and you say
i guess i'm an underwater thing so i
guess i can't take it personally
i guess i'm an underwater thing
i'm liquid running
there's a sea secret in me
it's plain to see it is rising
but i must be flowing liquid diamonds
calling for my soul
at the corners of the world
i know she's playing poker
with the rest of the stragglers
calling for my soul
at the corners of the world
i know she's playing power
and if your friends don't come back to you
and you know this is madness
a lilac mess in your prom dress
and you say
i guess i'm an underwater thing

~tori amos~

still lives

2011-02-14T10:15:00.000-08:00

here's just a little movie i made.

i took these photos along the san joaquin river.

on the way to aj & us' house.

gaga v madonna

2010-11-22T12:05:00.000-08:00

we had a little discussion at work regarding gaga's total rip off of 80's madonna. here's the situation - gaga's tunes are particularly catchy and i quite like the music. however i don't get her wacky performance art [i.e. the meat dress] and her personification. madonna's point was very clear -- be the best. appeal to as many as possible. blend with the ebbs and flows of the music/entertainment industry. gaga has yet had an opportunity to prove that she's just as solid as madonna in that department. similarities: the music is very similar - catchy, great to dance to at the gay bar and a hook that stays in the brain for weeks on end. [stop callin' i don't want to talk anymore i left my head and my heart on the dance floor] pissing moms off across the land. guaranteeing never to be on the ellen degeneres show after sitting next to the vegan in aforementioned meat dress. edgy and the gays love her. hmmm. sounds like bette midler and cher before them.

can gaga change with the times though? not certain - it all seems very calculated so perhaps she's got something brewing.

whaddya all think?

madonna or gaga.

revelations

2010-11-03T12:29:00.000-07:00

two days ago portia de rossi was on the oprah winfrey show talking about her struggles with anorexia, bulimia and coming out as a homosexual. i was surprisingly off that day and decided since it was oprah's last season, i oughta watch it. there she was talking about her book unbearable lightness a story of loss and gain. her madness of anorexia and bulimia. madness. she was crazy. she hated herself so much and had such a skewed image of her body [and how hollywood didn't help...]. she isolated herself to lonliness and puked her guts out after eating entire bags of cheetos and making herself throw it up into a bag somewhere behind a dumpster and use her t-shirt to clean herself up, only to toss it away and get back in her car and drive off. she never let anyone know how miserable she was. 82 pounds was her all time low. 168 her highest. i was shocked that she felt so bad about herself. i would look at someone like her, just like most of us would, and my closeted homo mind would think wow, she's beautiful. there's rumors of her gayness. how amazing would it be if someone who looked like her would come out. showing the world that you don't have to be stereotypically "dyk-ish" to be queer. things will be different by the time she comes out...if she ever does. i found myself drawn more to her story of her coming out. it seemed so much like mine. the fear. the shame. the loneliness. the isolation. the sadness. hating yrself, literally hating yrself for not being "normal" - like my sister or ... just everyone. i didn't know anyone who was gay growing up and let's face it, it was the 80's and i didn't start hearing about queers until AIDS came to be and then it was only men the media focused on. i didn't have any gay role models. kd lang had been out, but i didn't relate to her. ellen coming out in 1997 was historic. any lesbian around my age knows just where they watched her come out on national television. it was beautiful. portia came out in 2004 - when she began dating ellen. hmm. she's my age. how weird must it be to be dating, and soon marry, such an iconic lesbian. how weird...but how fucking normal. they seem to love each other so much and she credits ellen for showing her that love can save you. corny. true. i think.

her mother's struggle struck me too. i chose to not officially come out to my parents until i realized i'd been cheated on and broken up with. i needed my mommy. i told her meredith was leaving me. i knew it. it's ok if she would have been a little more honest and done it before she began cheating, perhaps it would have ended differently. i hear through friends that she's well. i'm glad. we all deserve love in our lives. i'll never forgive her for what she did to me, but i wish her well. mommy listened and told me it'd all be alright. her and dad would help me get the hell out of there. i was to look for an apartment immediately and they would foot the bill no questions asked. i felt awful after i hung up the phone. here i was 600 miles away and still running to mommy and daddy. depending on my parents like my safety net. they were NEVER not there to catch me. i felt like i'd used my mom that day to cry to. i never let her know anything that was going on. i lied to her. by not telling, i lied. i looked that day, found a place and then wrote my parents a 5 page letter explaining how gay i was and that by not telling them that it looked like i was ashamed of it. and i wasn't. i think about that now and know it wasn't true. i was ashamed of being gay. i felt like i let my parents down. that i wouldn't produce grandchildren for them or have a conventional life. i didn't want them to be disappointed or worry about me. they don't worry so much of my sister because she's happily married to probably the greatest guy ever. she's being taken care of. my life is this circle of people, my sister, tim, b j l , mom, dad. what if they decided it wasn't cool? what if my sister didn't let me see the boys anymore. my beloved boys. what if? i'd never know because i kept it a secret up until i was about to move to portland and i'd grown so close with my sister. i told her one day over coffee on her couch. i won't forget her reaction. i then felt bad for telling her and probably ruining her life. great, good job caryn. i hated myself for being selfish enough to just be me. i wanted to please and i was gonna do it. my sister and i didn't talk for a few weeks. but because i was moving to portland we were forced to see each other before i left. she cried and told me her truth. i cried too. i felt bad for leading her on all this time. my sister. unconditional love. i felt like even though i was moving away in a few weeks, we'd just solidified our relationship for life. my sister went to number 1 on the speed dial. for her, i die. truth. honesty. it's amazing. i always wondered what it would be like to someday be able to repay my parents for being who they are and instilling it in me and my sister - and now their grandchildren. letting us be just who we are and celebrating it to their friends. this is how i do it. today, i choose to be happy. live a happy life to repay my parents for what they've done for me. i do that because i know that's all they want for both my sister and me.

i now live my life so openly. i chose to go to a silent retreat and it opened the door for this kind of thinking. i was ashamed of being gay. of embarrassing my family. it's kept me from getting the kind of relationship i want - love, a partner who wants to be with just me. for me. for who i am. for once. as morrissey once said

please, for once in my life let me get what i want/lord knows it would be the first time

[i didn't read this before publishing. it may be pulled once i am actually sane and re-read it! enjoy while it's here...]

tha gorge

2010-09-19T19:17:00.000-07:00

an inward playlist

2010-07-14T16:37:00.000-07:00

hey everyone.

i'm definitely writing about my vipassana experience and plan to post it here in a fun way. i can't wait to share it here. while there i had a playlist in my head. go-to songs if you will.

empire state of mind ... jay-z and alicia keyes [i'm glad i know all the words or it would have been really annoying. yes, i know all the words. shocked? didn't think so. if jesus payin lebron, i'm payin' dwayne wade]

little earthquakes ... tori amos [i don't mean the song 'little earthquakes' i mean the entire record. during one of my many non-meditating meditation sittings i sang the entire record from start to finish. 'crucify' to 'happy phantom' [which made me so happy when it popped up!] to 'little earthquakes' i sang em all!]

there's a hole in the bucket, dear liza ... unknown camp song [it's true. i couldn't help it. it would just come. then fix it, dear henry dear henry dear henry.]

hot in herre ... jenny owens young [jenny's version is far superior to the original. sorry nelly. it's just really a ridiculous song. why you at the bar if you ain't poppin the bottles what good is all this fame if you ain't f**kin the models]

that's it. pretty short list. i really did go silent there for about 7 days. total silence. body speech and mind. i wasn't thinking about song lyrics. for once. usually i'm singing something up there! days 8 and 9 were spent singing. the tori amos record was just so amazing to have recorded in my brain. i just love it and it speaks to me so personally. like she read every woman my age's diaries. all of em! then she made such a brilliant record of it for all of us to keep and cherrish and use for comfort when truly needed. i need 'little earthquakes' and it was there for me! thanks tori.

yellow bird flying

gets shot in the wing

good year for hunters

and christmas parties

and i hate

elevator music

the way we fight

the why i'm left here

silent

oh these little earthquakes

here we go again

oh these little earthquakes

doesn't take much to rip us into pieces

we danced in graveyards

with vampires till dawn

we danced in the faces of kings

never afraid to burn

and i hate

disintegration

watching us wither

black winged roses that safely change their color

i can't reach you

give me life

give me pain

give me myself again

give me life

give me pain

give me myself again

oh these little earthquakes

here we go again

oh these little earthquakes

doesn't take much to rip us in to pieces

-tori amos

dland 2006

2010-07-11T07:53:00.000-07:00

dland 2010

2010-07-11T07:02:00.000-07:00

another fun family trip to the happiest place on earth.

self sabotage

2010-06-15T23:26:00.001-07:00

is anyone else familiar with this classic self-demoralizer?

i sabotaged a decent, fun, playful, exciting relationship.

why.

why do i do this to myself.

my chances with this lady are now slim to none.

thanks to my self-sabotage.

the friendship?

moderate to slim.

i'm in shock.

in such shock that it's just hitting me like a ton of bricks.

i have to learn to build trust with others.

again.

how does one start this process?

it seems a vicious cycle.

how do i find the people with whom to build trust.

i thought i found that person.

briefly.

i used to trust what people were telling me.

now i'm always convinced it's not the truth.

that i'm being manipulated.

that in some way i'm the butt of everyone's joke.

that i'm walking around with a fucking "kick me" sign on my back.

perhaps i'm the living, breathing cosmic joke?

will this rain ever stop?

portland, i love you, but yr killing me with all this rain.

i can't handle it.

please, help a sister out.

i'm having a hard enough time bucking up ... but no sun?

c'mon!

oh, there are a few records i'm listening to right now.

you should too.

santogold by santogold

both sides of the gun by ben harper

for emma, forever ago by bon iver

daytrotter session 3/31/2009 by bob mould

brotherhood [disc1] by the chemical brothers

let it die by feist

human amusements at hourly rates by guided by voices

the blueprint 3 by jay-z

batten the hatches by jenny owens young

the fame monster by lady gaga

live at the gorge - september 5, 2005 [disc 2] by pearl jam

new adventures in hi-fi by r.e.m.

lady croissant [live] by sia

daytrotter session 3/20/2010 by this providence

daytrotter session 6/8/2009 by tricky [SXSW session]

bad day

2010-05-18T01:30:00.000-07:00

bad day.

ended very bad.

i just want to sleep.

randoms of "new" music

2010-04-29T08:29:00.000-07:00

falling down ... scarlett johansson [yeah, the actress. she has a strange eclectic voice. this album of ton waits covers is so weird. her voice is concrete blonde - ish and sounds nothing like her authentic old-timey voice she uses on pete yorn's record.]

for today i am a boy ... antony & the johnsons [this MtoF transexual sounds like edith piaff sometimes.]

sheela na gig ... pj harvey [pj has had a serious resurgence in my life. thank god. her debut record, dry is so unbelievable. anything from this record is a true gem.]

yellow ledbetter ... pearl jam [i got this 7-disc live at the gorge cd at the library. all 7 cd's are amazing. not easy to say about live recordings. pearl jam - i've been dying to see them live.]

trying my best to love you ... jenny lewis [this album is a lovely follow-up to her wonderful rabbit fur coat from a couple of years ago.]

say so ... uh-huh her [alice from the L word's band. i love alice, formally of lezzie bands gush and the murmurs. this record is pretty gay, so if yr a "bian" check this one out.]

fancy ... yeah yeah yeahs [i'm pretty much down with anything YYY's. this is not a cover of the country song.]

whiskey can can ... beck [yes it can can]

baligaga ... tricky [love his beats. kinda sexy.]

someday soon ... cowboy junkies [the first song i've ever heard that margo is not leading the vocals.]

christians inferno ... green day [21st century breakdown is good but no american idiot.]

daydreamer ... adele [i love this debut record by adele. her voice is amazing and the songs are beautiful and age appropriate.]

i feel it all ... feist [her music is always a journey for me.]

baba o'riley ... pearl jam

a bad sign ... michael penn [cool record in which he's taken on the persona of mr hollywood jr 1947]

paris is burning ... st. vincent [thanks jenn!]

rain check ... ani difranco [surprisingly just getting in to ani...i'm so behind!]

so fast, so numb ... r.e.m. [found one of my favorite r.e.m. records at the library. i lost this one in the divorce and it somehow never found it's way into the itunes library.]

georgia ... the 1900's [from daytrotter.com]

vipassana and life

2010-04-29T07:58:00.000-07:00

"Vipassana is one of India's most ancient meditation techniques. It is the process of self-purification by self-observation. One begins by observing the natural breath to concentrate the mind. Then, with a sharpened awareness, one proceeds to observe the changing nature of body and mind and experiences the universal truths of impermanence, suffering and egolessness. This truth-realization by direct experience results in mental purification.

The technique is a universal remedy for universal problems and has nothing to do with any organized religion or sectarianism. It can be freely practiced by anyone without conflict due to race, community or religion, and will prove equally beneficial to one and all."

i've been enrolled in a 10-day silent meditation retreat in southern washington. for those of you wondering if i am stable enough or determined enough to do it - you know it. i've talked to both my physician and my counselor and they both think it's a great idea for me. i'm so lost -- just personally. i'm dealing with all this (silently and not so silently!):

no money. i'm not just saying, like, i'm broke. i'm saying i am dead broke. like "how do i keep shelter and food going" broke.
loss of a friendship that i shouldn't even be worrying about.
the near loss of a friendship that i should be nurturing.
trying to bump my self-esteem back up.
listening to scully meow continuously.
i'm a trailblazer fan. (that's really hard!)
how can i handle a friendship with someone i have feelings of like for, who feels similar but isn't ready to feel similar? am i ready to be feeling that way?
i haven't been home to see my nephews and niece since christmas.
self-sabotage.
i have several sick relatives i think about everyday.
honesty. truth.

these are the things i am grateful for:

sharon. she keeps it real with me. always. i'm beyond grateful.
diane jana helen jenn - my portland family.
mom dad kris tim brent joe lauren.
the rest of em.
shelter.
work - my awesome job. the job i have never once gotten up in the morning and not wanted to go there. my co-workers always lift my spirits. kd julia t are rays of true sunshine! your spirits can't help but be lifted.
the love of my meowing cat!
no car payment. (and that trixie is reliable!)
a coffee place right across the street. what a gem that place is!
being a trailblazer fan and season ticket holder. i can't afford it and i thought of not renewing. i waited until the last minute to renew.
i got to date a really hot chick for about 3 months. the fact that someone was interested in me - even if just for a second. i forgot how wonderful that can feel - especially when you feel the same.
my neighbor has chilled the fuck out.
nature. portland is so beautiful. i've made an effort to get out and see it since returning from belize.

the scales are almost even. that's no good. i look forward to my retreat and learning how to center myself, how to respect my thoughts, how to respect me. it's never been easy for me but i'm gonna give it a go. i want all this taken care of by 40 so i can take a fucking break from all this and enjoy my life. my one life.

well?

2010-04-27T16:32:00.000-07:00

i like the new layout.
you?

and the sadness prevails...

2010-04-27T09:20:00.001-07:00

i miss her already.

equality

2010-03-26T08:27:00.001-07:00

“Proposition 8 changed (things). Really for the first time in my life, I felt like I knew what it was like to feel discrimination and hatred. I felt less-than. I felt like my government was telling me that I wasn’t as important as everyone else and that I didn’t deserve the same rights and freedoms. I found myself having discussions with so-called liberal people about the word ‘marriage’ and I discovered that my expectation at being considered equal and wanting to be treated as such was extreme. So I started talking. I talked about injustice and inequality wherever I could. I shared private details of my life with Ellen to make a point and I talked about my frustration that a basic human right could be taken away by a majority vote. I developed a knack for turning any question into a discussion about gay marriage. ... And I won’t stop talking until equality is achieved and there’s nothing left to talk about.”

Portia de Rossi at the Human Rights Campaign’s Los Angeles Hero Awards Dinner, March 14, as transcribed by lgbtpov.com.

cycles

2010-03-13T19:30:00.000-08:00

how come happiness comes in "waves"?
and then, just like a wave it goes away again.
then, it fucking has the decency to show it's face again.
and it's elation again.
then it's just a fucking bummer again.
why can't happiness come in something contained.
in a sealed off tank where it couldn't get out.
i wanna capture it and seal it off.
cause it feels so good - even the memory of it.
happiness that makes me smile.
feel something.
happiness that makes me just want to cry.
i can't seem to hang on to it, however.
it's like i have to be so aware of it to feel it.
why can't i just feel it like everyone else does.
how come it doesn't come naturally to me?
so many wonderful things in my life now.
it shouldn't be so complicated.

i think this all may be the result of too much therapy, for gods sake! oh and pms. i do feel all that and i'm glad i let the stream in my head out. not getting it out is how i start my cycle. it's an ugly cycle and i don't like caryn stuck in that cycle.

andre dunks ... watch it

2010-03-09T14:48:00.001-08:00

a playlist

2010-03-09T14:15:00.000-08:00

[just like old times...]

i hadn't done a playlist for a while and i'd been listening to this one for some time now.

'are you experienced' ... belly [i love this cover]
're stacks' ... bon iver [my co-worker michael told me to listen to these guys]
'you can do better than me ' ... death cab for cutie [i put this on my playlist because the title is awesome - so's the song]
'furr' ... blitzen trapper
'say that you'll do it' ... at dusk [got this from the library - i liked the cover]
'life & times' ... bob mould [from daytrotter sessions - awesome]
'this tornado loves you' ... neko case [this song has been in heavy rotation for some time now - i can't seem to tire of it]
'carbon' ... tori amos [i love this gem from the underrated "scarlet's walk"]
'man-size' & 'perfect day elise' ... pj harvey [had to have pj]
'i feel it' ... feist
'loved you all along' ... la strada [another band i discovered on daytrotter]
'acid tongue' ... jenny lewis [into this record right now]
'one' ... cowboy junkies [i think a beautiful cover of this song]
'heavy cross' ... the gossip [i didn't dig this song to begin with - it's grown on me quite a bit]
'girls just wanna have fun' ... starfucker [fun cover]
'fuck was i' ... jenny owens young [her version of 'hot in herre' is really amazing - watch out for the big stuffed animals]
'you're so vain' ... carly simon [daytrotter version - greatly updated and like new]

2010-02-19T16:54:00.000-08:00

ani

2010-02-02T19:22:00.000-08:00

i cannot name this
i cannot explain this
and i really don't want to
just call me shameless
i can't even slow this down
let alone stop this
and i keep looking around
but i cannot top this

if i had any sense
i guess i'd fear this
i guess i'd keep it down
so no one would hear this
i guess i'd shut my mouth
and rethink a minute
but i can't shut it now
'cuz there's something in it

we're in a room without a door
and i am sure without a doubt
they're gonna wanna know
how we got in here
and they're gonna wanna know
how we plan to get out
we better have a good explanation
for all the fun that we had
'cuz they are coming for us, baby
they are going to be mad
they are going to be mad at us

this is my skeleton
this is the skin it's in
that is, according to light
and gravity
i'll take off my disguise
the mask you met me in
'cuz i got something
for you to see
just gimme your skeleton
give me the skin it's in
yeah baby, this is you
according to me
i never avert my eyes
i never compromise
so nevermind
the poetry

i gotta cover my butt 'cuz i covet
another man's wife
i got to divide my emotions
between wrong and right
then i get to see how close i can get to it
without giving in
then i get to rub up against it
till i break the skin
rub up against it
till i break the skin

they're gonna be mad at us
they're gonna be mad at me and you
yeah, they're gonna be mad at us
and all the things we wanna do
they're gonna be mad at us
they're gonna be mad at me and you
they're gonna be mad at us
and all the things we like do

just please don't name this
please don't explain this
just blame it all on me
say i was shameless
say i couldn't slow it down
let alone stop it
and say you just hung around
'cuz you couldn't top it

meet ze monster elise

2010-01-28T12:22:00.000-08:00

on a serious pj harvey kick.

dear fellow travelers...

2010-01-12T14:28:00.000-08:00

i am unable to attend sunday's festivities. too busy at work to get off. please enjoy my simple slideshow of our time in caye caulker belize. [i have some flip camera footage that i'm working on and i'll post that as well. i'll try before "return to belize" night so ya'll can enjoy it.] i have extrordinary memories of each and every one of you from this amazing trip. thank you, thank you, thank you for making it a trip i won't soon forget. [especially now because i'm freezing!]

xo, bear

2009

2009-12-11T12:11:00.000-08:00

hey everyone. look - i didn't wait a year to post again. go me. since i don't think i'm going to get to a 2009 yearbook via home movie, i thought i would post some of my favorite things here - like a playlist and other cool stuff i did.
check it.

playlist 2009
[as usual, not always released in 09, but it's what i listened to most]

furr by blitzen trapper
i'm coming out by diana ross
best of you [live from 'skin & bones'] by foo fighters
love long distance/'music for men' [the whole record] by the gossip
hold on hope by guided by voices
naked as we came by iron & wine
i'll be there by the jackson 5
absolute beginners by the jam
empire state of mind [feat. alicia keyes] by jay-z
rise up with fists!!! by jenny lewis & the watson twins
down to zero by joan armatrading
heartless by kanye west
relator by pete yorn & scarlett johansson
this tornado loves you/'middle cyclone' [the whole record] by neko case
sober by p!nk
mad world by tears for fears [thank you adam lambert for reminding us of this gem!]
this woman's work by kate bush
smile [live] by pearl jam
smooth criminal by michael jackson
alex chilton by the replacements
close call by rilo kiley
maps by the yeah, yeah, yeah's
girls just wanna have fun by starfu***er
paper planes by m.i.a.
welcome to england by tori amos
say hey (i love you) by michael franti & spearhead
i am by mary j blige
tardy for the party by kim zolciak - just kidding! if you don't know this one - see real housewives of atlanta - you won't regret it.

stuff i read 2009

the double bind by chris bohjalian
the great gatsby by f. scott fitzgerald
castle waiting by linda medley
the road by cormac mccarthy
100 bullets v. 1 by brian azzarello
anansi boys by neil gaiman
the dirt: confessions of the world's most notorious rock band by motley crue
water for elephants by sara gruen
twilight by stephanie meyers
sloppy firsts by meghan mccafferty
nick & norah's infinite playlist by rachel cohn
fables volumes 1-5 by bill willingham
kitchen confidential by anthony bourdain [actually i listened to it via audiobook]

stuff i saw 2009

survivor - samoa
project runway [until the end when irina won]
so you think you can dance [summer time edition]
better off ted
lost
breaking bad
modern family
hgtv - just the whole channel
pawn stars
hoarders
glee
weeds
real housewives of atlanta
where the wild things are
whip it
new moon
sunshine cleaning

no apologies required - a manifesta

2009-11-13T10:29:00.000-08:00

hello verbal zoo fans. i know it's been ages but i have no apologies for any of you. sorry...
anyway, here i am trying to become creative again. i haven't done much of anything creative for a long while. actually, i procrastinated on even entering this blog. it's just a blog entry for goodness sake. it doesn't even have to say much of anything. here's some things i've been thinking about...
passports...
i received my passport in the mail last week. i look like george hamilton. it's a little off putting. actually, it doesn't even look like me. it looks like george hamilton. maybe it's more of a kramer after falling asleep in the tanning bed...
phones & toilets...
for the second time i lost a phone to the porcelin god. this time it was a little more expensive than the last. however, i didn't need a plumber this time. i did need to bio-hazard myself since i dove head first into a toilet full of pee to retrieve the beloved iphone. it was too late. r.i.p. i got a new one, plus i've made friends and family work for me with my rosey from work. we are now friends and family using our iphones for $50 a month! moral: iphone is not allowed in the bathroom. ever.
chicks...
well, i'm finally feeling confident and sassy again and am contemplating being more social. you're probably thinking, "oh, it's bear, she'll never follow through on that one!" but that's the old bear. the new bear initiated conversation with hot woman (clearly gay! 1 for me!) at 5Q bar. ended up she has a girl, but ahhhh, it felt nice. thank you hot chick at 5Q bar in sweater vest.
what i want...
i want to start getting what i want. for real. i wonder why i don't think i deserve the things i want? i'm standing in my own way of asking for what i want. being brutally honest with myself. it's weird. i've been in therapy for over 10 years and i'm finally willing to look at it. it's unbelievably powerful. some things i want: i want to travel. i want to not be afraid to do so. i start in december to belize. next? amsterdam. i want to be in love. i want to be loved. i want to be creative. i want to be the best i can be in my job. i want to explore another language. i want to learn to play the guitar. i want a pet that doesn't growl at me. i want to make more trips to california to see my neice in her dances and my nephews as they grow into their teens. i can't miss that. it means too much to me. i want health insurance for myself to keep myself healthy. I WANT I WANT I WANT!!! it seems so selfish but i deserve it.
how...
good question. i suppose i need to find the fringe of my comfort zone. find it and challenge it. know that when i do challenge it and find a new outcome i will only be better. i will be a better sister, daughter, auntie, friend, partner. it's kind of thrilling. perhaps i'm hitting my mid-life crisis early. awesome. i'm young enough to accept the challenge - BRING IT!
trailblazers...
the portland trailblazers are starting to bring it together. the addition of andre miller, the insertion of greg oden into the starting lineup and nic batuum going out with an ankle injury and a recovered martell webster in his place is all new. it's like an all new team. there is so much talent even charles barkley can't believe it! when yr second unit consists of travis outlaw, joel przybilla and martell up front and jarryd bayless and rudy fernandez in the backcourt; other teams need to start figuring out how their second units are going to denfend a lineup that could easily start in many markets. the starting lineup of lamarcus (we love LA!) and GO up front and an interesting choice of 3 guards, b.roy, andre and steve blake is exciting and fast. even GO ran the floor the other night with lamarcus. greg dribbled down the court and lobbed to LA for a dunk! the smile on his face afterwards was consolation that i didn't see it live and at home! anthony and i are in for an amazing turning point season for the portland trailblazers! vote for LA to get to dallas for the all-stars this year. he deserves it and i know he'd love to go home to dallas!
gossip...
saw the gossip about 3 weeks ago at the wonder ballroom. beth came in for lunch, of course, and for the first time in a while i didn't make a complete ass of myself. i welcomed her home (they've been on tour for months) and told her how excited i was for the new record and the show. she is so rad. she invited all of rsq employees plus 1 friend into the show for free. that was so cool of her. she was humbled as she saw we made a special cocktail in her honor and that we told her the show was sold out. she was shocked. the show itself was awesome. most of working rsq showed up - pilar, alison, mike, me, jenn, johna, julia t, erica, her friends and emilio. beth rocked it out. she was coming off a cold so she couldn't hit any high ones but didn't let it keep her from being that front woman that makes the gossip who they are. the "what's love got to do with it" cover was so sweet. i hope that gets released somewhere. i want it. the band was tight as tight could be. seeing a band in the middle of their tour is the best. they are in sync and they still like each other. thanks beth and the gossip. my ears rang from a show for the first time in a while.
done...

wedding. the movie. part I

2009-09-25T14:11:00.000-07:00

i know you all are waiting on the edge of yr seats for 'wedding. the movie. part II.' there is a lot of editing there people, but i wanted to get part I out while it's still mostly relavent. i was going to make it schmaltzy with a lovely song, but i chose something a little more fun. we had a blast at the wedding.

jen, you looked stunning that day (and the next) - i felt so proud of yr accomplishments and hooking a swell fella like travis. enjoy part I. part II will explain the noise from table 4!

dominick dunne

2009-08-29T12:50:00.000-07:00

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/27/arts/television/27dunne.html?ref=television

seriously...

2009-08-28T10:02:00.001-07:00

when i return from california - update city.
for reals.
no really.
i mean it.
i think.
my manicure is ruined.
my dad made me climb in the attic.
to retrieve my silly stuff.
it's dusty.
cobwebby.
junk.
the first box of books.
lesbian erotica.
celebrating the joy of lesbian childbirth.

dad: "isn't there only 2 ways to do that? why an entire book?"
me: "mine did it the old fashioned way. lucky me, eh?"

tons of books.
childhood memories.
pee-wee herman watch.
man, i sure did love tori amos.
lots of fanzines.
my signed tour book when i met tori.
bootlegs.
videos.
more boots.
more videos.
wow.

mom: "are you going to open more boxes? it's like christmas!"

sorry

2009-08-18T14:54:00.000-07:00

i haven't had much time to blog here. i think of it often but don't really get to it. i'll be back...

tv & life ... no, just tv

2009-08-18T14:50:00.000-07:00

are you watching 'better off ted'? this is funny people. check out the promo spot above featuring veronica palmer, extremely cold and hilarious!

"there's a good chance you're already working for us and you don't even know it!"

"it's not magic. it's an illusion" - GOB bluth

2009-07-22T20:57:00.000-07:00

i know i spelled geez wrong. throw a sister a bone!

2009-07-22T18:20:00.000-07:00

i couldn't be more thrilled with the still blogspot chose to use for my video. seriously.

psst. pass it on...

2009-06-29T18:50:00.000-07:00

ok yall, i got the new gossip record, music for men, and i've listened to it about a billion times this week so i feel i'm ready to tell you that...IT ROCKS! seriously - you know when on american idol simon or randy are always talking about how the kids need to make the older songs feel current? adam lambert excluded, few can actually do it. really, artists that are really talented rarely get the job done. the gossip hits it hard, 80's style on this record. this record is what would happen if beth, hannah and nathan got into a delorian and traveled back to 1984. not sure if that's what they were going for, but it's exactly how i feel when i hear 'four letter word.' it has to be the one cut i can't wait to hear. [it's at the end of the record, so i anxiously await it.] the lead off 'dime store diamond' is funky and slow but it rocks all at the same time. the single, 'heavy cross' is good but definitely not the one i'd chose to try and "sell" to the radio - this is their major label debut and for god's sake, rick rubin produced it! i chose not to read any real reviews before i heard it and i'm glad i did. the thing i dig about the gossip is that they haven't copied anyone - they are uniquely the gossip. it's unusual these days not to hear a band or artist and say, oh, they remind me of [insert band here] it's where blues and "indie rock" collide. beth ditto is probably the best front woman of any band since frickin' debbie harry or chrissy hynde. i saw the gossip rock at the great american music hall in san francisco opening for s-k and the second she walked on stage i was like what????!!!! she was at least 100 pounds overweight and rockin the most awesome lingerie and garter. i was skeptical to say the least. when she started belting out the most authentic blues voices ever heard in "indie rock" i was captivated. she danced and sweat and sang her little heart out. the whole place was dancing to a band they had never heard of to songs they've never heard. mostly because beth ordered it. she even made carrie, corin and janet dance. it was like some crazy dance party someone throws in their basement. beth lives close by to the restaurant i work at and she's a regular customer. she has been nothing but lovely to each and every one of us and all the new hires that come from other restaurants around know her too and love her as well. we aren't shy about telling her how much we love the gossip. she says they won't be playing portland until fall - that's okay it will give me more time to listen to music for men a gazillion more times!

restaurant woes...

2009-06-25T09:39:00.000-07:00

"You don't really need a tip, do you?"
-customer what lesley heard while said customer looked at the tip line on the credit card slip and after lelsey had helped her with her large order

i have recently written a couple of posts that may have opened your eyes to the harsh reality of the restaurant industry. above is a post lesley made regarding one of her many mind-boggling customer interactions as hostess. my co-worker kaiya also commented on the mary* and donald duck entry reminding me of said customer's bathroom habits. thank you kaiya, i was trying to forget that floating corn image...anyway, i digress. it's become a part of mine and lesley's monday thru wednesday routine to keep a running list of blog ideas...for me to blog about. i'm still flummoxed as to why she is so shy as to start her own blog of these wacky ideas. she's quite humorous. i also wanted to use the word "flummoxed." below are a few of our ideas from this week...
*fake name to protect the innocent

let's just start big people and i do mean big: sliced beef

this guy has to be one of my least favorite customers. my girls at the door know i don't like to wait on him so i haven't in a long time. sometimes he sits at the bar when i'm there. he's strictly a lunch guy. [i don't think i've ever seen him in at dinner. kaiya?] the nickname comes from yours truly because he always orders his brisket sandwich "sliced. not chopped." no matter how many times we tell him why it seems chopped and no matter how many times he orders it, it's always the same. we've gone to just leaving the fat on for him. ewe. anyhoo, one afternoon as i was delivering his food he made a joke so i laughed and made one back. this was one of the rare times he's come in with someone. lots of our customers love to be acknowledged. it makes them feel good and hell, we're cool and it feels good to feel so welcomed by cool people like us! i can't remember the joke because i was so appalled as to what happened next. as i walked away in my foxy cargo shorts he...wait for it...pinched my knee pit. many ally mcbeal watcher's will remember the silly little knee pit joke. i ran away as fast as i could into the kitchen to tell my superior that i'd been pinched in my knee pit - ON MY BARE SKIN - by sliced beef. everyone, even our spanish speaking cooks, cringed. i saw a small glimmer in my superior's eye (only for a second!) as she loves to give a good pinch. she can't help it. our relationship hasn't been the same. actually once the word spread about the knee-pit-pinch (kpp) no one really wants to go near him. i think rosey might be the only one safe, if you know what i mean! [rosey also carries a knife ... "i'll kill you old man!"] so...lelsey writes this on our list "what does sliced beef do for a living? (a) stalk little girls online or (b) orthopedic surgeon. this made me guffaw out loud. i'm going for (b) because even sliced beef wouldn't stalk little girls. online. right? orthopedics, however, is almost less believable if you saw this guy.

the "self-seater"

all of us who have worked in a restaurant that clearly states PLEASE WAIT TO BE SEATED hate, hate, hate the self-seater. first, it pisses off the hostess. she/he is not there just to look pretty. there is a flow to keeping a restaurant running smoothly and when a customer just walks in and helps themselves, it can ruin the pace. it pisses off the server because often you've already got too many tables you haven't gotten to and you have to go get the self-seater water and menus. this in turn pisses off the kitchen as they've been pushing your buzzer for the last 5 minutes to come get your frickin' food. it's a vicious cycle, people. please be patient - you're all going to get a seat and food. i promise.

hand prints...

it's really quite revolutionary to have bosses that care so much about the appearance of the their restaurant. they believe it's in the details, the quality, the service and consistency. they follow through with this is many ways. for example, everything we use is of the highest quality possible while keeping the prices low. they insist on quality service as it's part of who we are. let's try to give people a good experience every time and may our food be consistently delicious. and lastly, for god's sake, keep the glass clean! perhaps it's from our days in the corporate coffee business, but a glass front door with paw prints on it is not appealing. for some just walking into a restaurant is part of the experience. if the glass is gross with prints, what does that say about what it might be like in the kitchen? do you want to sit in a cozy window seat with some little tykes hand prints and smeared yams? i didn't think so. the front and side doors are a serious mystery. how do they become covered in hand prints. not just little ones either. both of these doors have push bars on them. why on earth would you push the door open directly on the glass when you could use the bar? most of us have lived our entire lives with push bars - this is not a recent invention. this could also lead to holding the door open when it's 15/100 degrees outside. as mom always said we're not trying to heat/air condition the neighborhood!

the sliced beef story really took it out of me. it's traumatic. more stories to come i'm sure. lesley won't let me stop. she's a real slave driver. nice to have you as well kaiya. feel free to add to the list. here's what i've got so far...

inside v outside seaters
blue shirts v orange shirts in a knock down bloody battle. who would win? don't worry, i don't get it either. i'll just write something about blue and orange shirts...
customer conversations
do you take visa? uh, are we living in the 1800's? this could also lead to taking the wrong cc slip...
similarities between mary* and the tv show battlestar galactica. hmmm. i better research that one
co-workers who want time off but never help others who need time off
managers who get too big for their britches (yeah, i'm talking to you!) just kidding...

an AD wet dream [it's okay to admit it - there are lots of us]

2009-06-22T10:13:00.000-07:00

on this day ... 1953

2009-06-08T08:13:00.001-07:00

the supreme court ruled that restaurants in the district of columbia could not refuse to serve blacks

actor jerry stiller is 82!

"serenity now!"

caught in the act!

2009-06-06T08:23:00.000-07:00

saw neko case last night at the crystal ballroom. need i say (again) how much i hate the venue? i managed to get :23 seconds of neko singing one of my all time favorites before getting caught by the ballroom police. view it below. don't blink...

as always, neko didn't disappoint. also, as i found with her last album fox confessor brings the flood, the new songs came more to life during the live show and i've already put middle cyclone on this morning. i'll tell you the number one problem i have with the crystal ballroom. the sound is not good. if you are not directly facing the stage or close enough to read lips, you can't really understand the talking. neko and her background singer are known for their silly banter and funny stories. it's part of the live experience. not at the crystal. so many of my favorite bands and artists play there because it really is the perfect sized venue for them. not as big as the schnitz or theatre in the clouds but not as small as the superior roseland or wonder ballroom experiences. as it is neko's playing two shows here so i suppose she could go a little bigger, but it would lose a lot of intimacy.

the nana's partied until a whopping 11:30 pm! we even walked down to voodoo doughnuts for a midnight snack. i ate this oreo doughnut that totally rocked my world. fantasia got two maple crawlers. she loves em! johnna? you guessed it, plain glazed. you can never go wrong with the basics. "the magic is in the hole" [the last edition of the amazing race made a stop at voodoo doughnuts.] i think the kids would love this place. i'm going to try and get them there while they visit.

can you believe that kris won american idol? i'm telling you, that kanye west song put him over the top. really great interpretation. adam will no doubt make something of himself. he is an amazing singer. so you think you can dance has picked it's top 20 and i can't wait for next week. fantasia loves it too so we have a standing wednesday night date for the show. anyone who wants to join us may. the more the merrier.

ok. run out to yr locally owned record shop and buy neko case's new record middle cyclone. and if neko is coming to yr town or anywhere within driving distance i highly recommend going. as always, thank me here later.

pet peeves: part deux!

2009-06-03T22:00:00.000-07:00

my pushy co-worker, lesley, [holla!] passed me a note in study hall that said the following...new blog idea: similarities between mary* and donald duck. i didn't know what it means [honestly, i still don't!] but i surely thought it was funny. i actually missed someones sides on a to-go order over the phone because i was writing down other ideas for blog entries. i wrote down mac and cheese but i didn't write down the second. i got the bread order though. i think they ordered potato salad. i tried to explain to lesley why she had to ask that person what the sides were when they came to pick it up. she looked at me like i was crazy. [she looks at me like that a lot. we're going to have to talk about this,] i told her it was because i was writing down more blog ideas. the one that got me in trouble was please have everyone's order before you call the restaurant for a to-go order. below are the ones we came up with today. enjoy!
*name changed to protect the innocent.

similarities between mary & donald duck
i'm not sure what i can really say about this. mary is a customer that comes in almost every day. you read it right folks. every day. it started out nice, became annoying, and has come full circle back to flattering. the only problem with mary is that she has hideous style and the longest rat tail known to man. my oh my people. i know this thing doesn't have anything to do with donald duck, but i don't care - i must vent. this thing is an entity unto itself. i'll never forget the day that diane walked up behind mary grabbed the rat tail and said one of these days i'm just going HACK THIS THING OFF! it ruled. i'll never forget it. mary also puts ketchup on her pulled pork sandwich no slaw. i know all her orders. the formally mentioned sandwich is accompanied by fries. do NOT bring the cajun mayo. she'll make you take it away. the chop salad - sub chicken, no beans, no cheese, no onions [pretty much everything in the salad!], no bread. every now and then she'll bust out a sausage link sandwich, no bread and fries. i asked mary why she won't have any of those things in her salad and she said the doctor told her she was overweight. uh, first of all, she's not. second, if she eliminated the dressing, or put it on the side, she wouldn't have to lose the other items. no, that's crazy talk! ok. that's enough of that. i don't know any similarities between mary and donald duck. [lesley, if you know what they are, post it here or GET YR OWN FREAKIN' BLOG!]
know what you want to order before calling the restaurant for a to-go order
some people call the restaurant expecting the person on the other side to read the menu for them. seriously people. the person on the other side does not have time to go over the entire menu with you. we are too busy. go to the website to check out the menu. then call. oh, and make sure you know what everyone wants before calling too. this is the conversation i had that caused me to miss that second side. hello, caryn speaking yeah, i'd like to place an order to go. great. sock it to me. [deep sigh] ok, are you ready? yep. [apparently the sock it to me part was overlooked.] so she rambles off the first 2 orders like a pro. then she gets to the last one and this is what i hear on the other end...JIMMY? WHAT KIND OF SAUCE DO YOU WANT? medium. and the sides? JIMMY! WHAT SIDES DO YOU WANT? macaroni & cheese and [what i thought i heard] potato salad [or pot salad as we label the boxes.] cornbread or toast? JIMMY! CORNBREAD OR TOAST? cornbread. is that it? [please let that be it - my earball is killing me from trying to drag out of jimmy what sauce and sides he wanted!] yeah, that's it. oh, thank god i said to myself. ok see you in 15 minutes. ok. we hung up. this is when i realized i had completely spaced on what his second side was. lesley, what was it? was is potato salad? this is a daily occurrence. take more than 10 seconds to decide what you want to eat. why is everyone in such a big hurry? i don't get it. people get irritated when you won't read the menu to them over the phone. hey, i've got 9 tables looking at me going, uh, we need more sweet tea over here. that's when you say can you hold please? thank you. LESLEY you have a call on park 1 and run like hell.
"hotboxing" chicks.
ok. there was a guy who came in today acting like a total douche. he told lesley that he was meeting 2 chicks and he was going to "hotbox" them. now, i've been around, and "hotboxing" means one thing, and one thing only, to me. the confusion was overwhelming. what does that mean? to quote ellen degeneres, you heteros are weird. seriously. what is that about? "hotboxing" is what spicoli and his buddies did right before they stumbled out of the van in the parking lot of all american burger [no shirt, no shoes, no dice!] come on people, everyone knows that. why would a man say that to a hostess taking you to the table with said "chicks" for "hotboxing." boys are dumb. [lesley, i don't know if you saw but that man ended up wearing a bib. i thought it amusing. hotboxing. please.]
side by side seaters
i have a real problem with this. i don't understand side by siders. why on god's green earth would you want to sit directly next to somebody in a restaurant where you're tyring to have conversation? and, i want to see all hands on deck. hands in clear view. no touching the knee under the tablecloth. no nuzzling your partners neck. no going into the men's room together. don't feed each other. this is a family restaurant folks. keep that in mind.

i don't have it in me to talk about my last pet peeve, sliced beef. i'll save it for another night. it's late now and i have to treat the beast and go to sleep. [i just re-read that sentence and it sounds, well, not so good. treat the beast means giving scully her nightly treats of cat nip and kitty treats. get your minds out people!]
lesley, i think i'm going to make you a lable so people can go right to lelsey posts.

i heart summer tv

2009-06-03T07:06:00.000-07:00

definitely my favorite summer program ... until my guilty pleasure big brother starts...

kathy griffin: my life on the d list has to be one of the funniest shows on television. the first 2 seasons were the funniest but she still kills it. i love this picture of her trying to get photographed by the paparazzi. hilarious.

3 seconds of fame!

2009-06-02T07:13:00.000-07:00

if you go here you can witness me and pilar having 3 seconds of fame. you only get to see me from behind, but pili got some face time!

fabulous/fabuloso!

2009-05-30T08:39:00.000-07:00

http://www.thirdrailrep.org

http://blog.oregonlive.com/portlandarts/2009/05/john_kolvenbachs_comedy_fabulo.html

oh, did i tell you i'm going to belize?

2009-05-29T10:08:00.000-07:00

so, because i am cruel i thought i would show you the view and inside the cutest cabana on caye caulker. who'll be the lucky bitch staying there? yep, you guessed it. hi, i'm lucky bitch and you are... oh my god. i look at this place every day and saving as much money as humanly possible. this week was not good for saving as we were closed monday for memorial day and i couldn't work last night due to a strained groin. see story of my first softball game below. the bbq is chockers almost every night and day so i'm totally working my ass off to be pleasant to EVERY SINGLE CUSTOMER. even the crazy guy john who rush made me talk to. um, caryn, can you help me? rush's arm is in a sling from a hairline fracture in her clavicle, so i didn't think anything of this request. what's up rush? what can the bear do for you? she walked by me and said could you help the guy at the door? i can't understand him. i thought sure, no big whoop. i turn around and see the guy almost asleep on the hostess stand. great. what do we have here? sir, can i help you with something? he pulls his smelly head off the hostess stand and says something like i [inaudible] to go [inaudible]... quizzical looks crosses your hero's face. i'm sorry, do you have a to go order or do you want a to go order? john finally is fully upright and slurs there were kids running here and i want you to go to every table and see who has my to go order - 3 saran wraps. if my face could have gotten more quizzical, it just did. oookaaay...we didn't steal your lunch, i promise. he interrupts those kids stole my lunch and i want to go to every table to get it back! well...sir, i will not. i don't know what to tell you about your lunch but if you want to buy something, with money, you may. otherwise, you'll have to go. okay? he wouldn't let it go. he starts toward table 7, which is occupied like every other table at the peak of lunch time. then i'm going to do it. out of the corner of my eye i saw a young man watching the exchange so i felt bold enough to put my hand out and step in front of him. no you will not. i'm going to ask one more time for you to go and then i'm going to call the police. he left very slowly mumbling about his stolen lunch. i looked at rush and she had a bit of a sheepish grin and she said, thanks caryn. that was good. i smiled because rush is so damn cute and sweet that i said that's how you handle a mumbler like that, rush. learn from the master and one day, grasshopper, you too will be tossing out the john's of the world. i will take you under my wing and together we will go to all of the restaurants in north portland tossing out all the johns. we'll have a signal when we're needed - like batman and robin. [i'll be batman.] the commissioner will shine it into the night sky and - whoa. none of that happened. well, i did tell her that's how you toss out a mumbler like that. don't let them know your afraid of them. in fact, don't be afraid of them. most of them are just drunk or stoned out of their minds on something. it's sort of a sad situation, really. john was probably, on some level, just hungry and smelled bbq outside the door. i always tell the girls that if they are having any problems i don't have a problem asking people to leave. remind me to tell you the story of the time a guy got a water glass smashed in his face. i actually don't even have time to tell you about my softball groin injury. when i get home from my catering hours i'll tell the story. i'm feeling in a story-telling mood.
oh, did i tell you i'm going to belize?

p.s. i can't get enough of meds and sleeping with ghosts by placebo. literally, it's the only thing i want to hear. love it. i'm going to buy more placebo. you should too.

returning customers ... biwa

2009-05-22T08:39:00.000-07:00

above is my obsession right now. ramen from biwa. i love this restaurant. i've never had a bad meal here. the best thing about the ramen is that it's the biggest bowl ever and there is plenty for breakfast the next morning. that's right, you heard me. oh, and if you don't add the egg to it, why bother? it's delicious. another favorite? kimchi chijimi. it's like a pancake like thing with veggies & kimchi. awesome. the gyoza is one of the best little hand-wrapped dumplings. i've also had the yakionigiri (grilled ball of rice) and they used to have these bbq'd ribs that were so good. i notice they aren't on the menu anymore. please go to biwa if you're around 9th and ... ash, i want to say in southeast. it's a few blocks south of the doug fir next to simpatica. check it out. thank me later.

last night as i was at the POS at work, i looked up and who did i see walking in the door but my favorite customers, michael & susan! i hadn't seen them for about 2 years. honestly, i thought something horrible had happened to michael as he had a heart transplant and had complications. he said he's just getting out in the world. he's aged, but lost weight and has his same jolly demeanor. it totally made my night better.
something happened last night at rsq that is one of my pet peeves. ok. rsq was rockin' last night (of course) and at about 6 pm a couple sat on table 2, never opened their menu and already had beer. great. i cruised by and assumed they were ready to order since they'd been waiting. i did the usual friendly greet and they informed me that they weren't really going to order any food - well, maybe a snack. what? ok. they ordered bbq shrimp and proceeded to sit there until after closing nursing 3 beers between them and 2 appetizers. it was, as johna might say, "chockers" up in that joint last night. they clearly could see that there was a wait - about 15 or 20 minutes -but they not once thought, maybe we ought to get moving so others can sit. or, if you are only going to have apps and beer why not sit at the bar? table 2 never turned. i made $4 at the table when i could have made no less than $35 turning that table 3 or 4 times. it's so annoying. speaking of annoyances...

caryn's restaurant pet peeves & scenarios:

read the menu. really. men are the worst culprits. for example, they open the menu, see pulled pork sandwich and close the menu. when you ask them about sauce and side, they immediately say, what are the choices? how about opening the freakin' menu and choosing? instead they want you to rattle everything off. i do my best to make them choose themselves by re-opening the menu and pointing to sauce & side choices. this is usually followed by them just picking the first thing out of my mouth (usually mac & cheese) and closing the menu. then the sandwich comes out looking amazing - but what? what's on top of it? i didn't order it with slaw! well, it says right on the menu that it's served with slaw on it. see, if they would read the menu, it could have been avoided. then they make a big production of scraping it off (wasteful). that's when i smile and say a traditional pulled pork sandwich comes with slaw right on top. it's delicious. anything else right now? great! enjoy. then i walk away with a sense of annoyance and maybe a little delight in their stupidity.
don't try to order from the hostess as she is seating you. [or as sharon says i hate it when people try to order before their ass is even in the seat! - say in texan accent.] she isn't a server and she doesn't really have time to take your drink order. at rsq we are pretty prompt about someone getting to the table to at least greet and get beverages.
don't ask for a 6-top booth on a friday or saturday night if there is only 2 of you and don't let the hostess get you all settled and then say you don't want to sit there. there is a reason the hostess is sitting you there. usually it's so one server doesn't get overwhelmed. we at rsq have a 3 table minimum per server - if 3 tables have menu's down and haven't ordered yet, that server will not be sat. just freakin' sit down, shut up and eat. god. [oh, and if you get table 13, don't f**k around with the dimmer for the lights. i know it's fun, but really, people are trying to eat. example: a couple of weeks ago a 6-top of ADULTS were at the table and it was getting late. i had my back to the table doing some closing duties when i saw the lights go all the way up. we at rsq like to keep it low. i turned around and they looked at me giggling. the lights went back down. no, up again. i turned around again and gave them the mom face - don't make me come over there! the lights went down and up again really quickly. i finally turned around walked halfway to the table and said you know, if you wouldn't mind, people are trying to eat here. they just laughed. guess what? not funny.]
kids. working in a restaurant has given me a really bad taste in my mouth with kids. probably made me not want to have any. now, don't get me wrong, i love kids. well, my kids - brent, joe, lauren, hannah, jae, etc. i suppose it's the bad parenting that makes me most crazy. example: last night i had 3 meatapalooza plates in my hands heading to the back of the que. as i came through the doorway into the blue room, a small child was wandering around as his parents chatted over their beers and cocktails. because i had 3 large plates in front of me, i couldn't see said child and ran him down. not on purpose, of course. he didn't go down, but i could have hurt him by a) dropping a 5 lb plate of piping hot bbq on his head or b) stepping on him and crushing him. we don't have this sign up for shits and giggles...wandering children will be given a double espresso and a puppy to take home. oh, and kids are icky, dirty, messy and chock full of germs. don't let your kid smear yams on the window. don't let your kid color on the menu - we give them paper for that. don't let your kid eat the crayons. don't let your kid throw a plate. don't let your kid put their mouths on the ketchup bottle. don't let your kid wander to the next table and annoy them. don't encourage your kid to squeal or scream. even in delight - you might think little johnnie's high pitched squeal is cute. believe me, others don't.

so these are just a few of my peeves - believe me, i have an ayn rand sized book full of 'em. i don't want to blow my wad on one entry. i have to go to work in a few so i suppose i should rinse last night's que off.

[missed you last night lelsey ... i had to be nice to liz and that takes so much freakin' energy...]

uh...

2009-05-20T18:42:00.000-07:00

...lebron james & the cleveland cavaliers are punking orlando right now. damn. they are good. james is a force of nature. how can you defend that spin move to the basket? how? he never gets any fouls called on him. never. never more than kobe (cause they don't really call him either...). you cannot deny this guy. he is the michael jordan of the century. yeah, i said it.
my prediction? the cavs sweep orlando to head to the finals to meet...the denver nuggets. i know it's a long shot, but i hope denver can beat los angeles. they played them tough the other night and i suspect it's only a matter of time until chauncey billups warms up and makes double/doubles - and carmelo anthony (tool) will continue his scoring spree hitting at least 30 every night. it's time to take the dynasties down. orlando got boston on their floor, so one down, one to go. i can't believe i'm saying this...i'll whisper it. go nuggets.

b.e.l.i.z.e.

2009-05-20T17:01:00.000-07:00

how cute is this little cabana? that's where i'll be staying on cayecaulker, belize over the new year. it's directly on the beach! my girlfriend diane is turning 50 and she wanted a destination birthday - so, there we are! i can't quite tell you how excited i am about this. i want to do a little jig every time i think about it. actually, i do do a little jig!
softball was rained out again(!) well, it's actually a partly sunny day here in portland but it rained yesterday and the field is not in playable condition. dangit! i'm getting more and more apprehensive with every week that goes by without playing. we haven't played one game yet. i imagine there will be a plethora of double headers. that sounds awful.
adam for this year's american idol! i do like kris. i think he's adorable and can definitely be successful. kris has been a dark horse the entire season. i don't predict an upset. adam has gotta have this sewn up. right?

hey lesley, get well my sister. rest and drink a lot ... of whiskey ...i mean water. pee it out! you'll probably end up giving it to your children and the vicious cycle will resume. reason #4,352 caryn will not be having children!

tv & life ... no, just tv

2009-05-19T07:11:00.000-07:00

two of my favorite reality shows came to an end last week, america's next top model and survivor. my, my where to begin...
top model was a serious bust for me this season. i never really connected with any of the girls and i didn't think any of them were successful. to my dismay i did like finalist alison (and i think she got shafted for the win!) and blondie, uh, whatsername. the one who always looked hot at the panel but was too old at 25? i can't think of her name and am too lazy to look for it. it'll come to me - when it does i'll just holler it out. a few cycles ago, my brother-in-law made a comment- something like "if this was the pool of hot chicks in america, we're in trouble." it couldn't have been more true in this season. although tyra did manage to sneak in smiling with her eyes and pointing out those that did in their photos; miss j wore the ridiculous bow tie that got bigger with every elimination; nigel was able to finagle 2 (count them, 2) photo shoots, mr. jay was a shade darker of orange and paulina became a bigger bitch - this cycle was a weekly crap fest. i will have forgotten about it by the next round. ding!
survivor on the other hand...great season. the countless blindsides (which really is the only way to eliminate players these days) were fantastic - especially brenden and tyson. haven't people learned that the second they get too cocky or secure that's when you go home. as for the finale, i can't believe steven and jt voted taj out at 4. there really was no reason - their reasoning was that taj could possibly beat them in the final immunity challenge were it endurance. even though there was an endurance challenge the week before. the last few seasons they've been doing more concentrating challenges - which after 39 days without regular meals, sleep and water is probably really quite hard. now, if taj had gone to the finals with steven (whom she said she would have taken with her to the end because they "promised") she would have killed him as jt did. if she went with jt it would have been close, but i still think jt would have won out, more like 4-3 instead of jt BLOWING OUT steven! he totally dug a hole for himself at the final tribal council where he was brutally honest, telling all their secrets and claiming he would have taken erinn to the final 2 with him instead of jt -- who he'd "promised." you aren't honest! you're still playing, you idiot! the final tribal council isn't about actually answering the questions at hand, it's about listening and figuring out what the jury wants to hear. steven, i think, played the game brilliantly up until the end. he lost it for himself with his horrible final 2 appearance. although, jt didn't do any better. they both tried to toss the other under the bus and were unsuccessful. i'm glad they remain friends. coach's lie detector test is bullshit. i don't believe this guy for one second. anyone would be a fool to think that was a real test. i want to see him taking the damn thing. you can make anything up on your computer these days. captured by amazonians. really? perhaps there were parts of the story that were true but i just can't believe him. and the "honesty" part of his "game"? i call bullshit again. he is so full of himself i can't get over it. oh, and could he have had more make-up on during the reunion? god. i can't believe they put up with him so long. i was done after 2 weeks of him (which constitutes about 6 days on the island), but 36 days? ugh. why did people hate sierra so? [CELIA!] haven't figured that one out either. she must have been just miserable off camera and got a decent edit.
american idol also comes to an end tomorrow. the polar opposites, kris & adam. adam is definitely more creative and has a classic rock and roll voice (i hate to say it, but when he sang "whole lotta love" i swooned and forgot about robert plant. just for a second...) i must say, though, kris impressed me with his kanye song last week. really, really great. he deserved to beat out danny for that spot. good work kris. let's see who brings it tonight boys. i don't care who wins. i like them both. plus i just want it to be over so we can have so you think you can dance! i love that show. hop on the hot tamale train, whoo-whoo!

ok.

2009-05-15T08:46:00.000-07:00

i know it's been forever but i've been working a ton since half of rsq is sick and/or on vacation and jake is broken. i'm tired. i successfully pawned the end of my shift off to kaiya who, by doing that, just received a big withdrawl. i decided to help lesley by working her lunch shift - hostessing no less [that's how much i adore that lesley!] - and i have a regular serving shift on thursday nights but i just didn't want to do it. me and johna had a serious sugar high [anthony, you are no longer allowed to bring candy into this apartment!] and i was annoying my tables. i could tell. i already tried to pawn my shift off to rosey [he was going to some tranny gig...this is normal] and michael [he stayed up drinking 'til 4 am] unsuccessfully. i'm happy to say that michael had to pull the car over to puke on his way to my house to drop off johna and i got the night off! thanks kaiya. i had no interest in closing that restaurant. withdrawls and deposits are huge in the serving game. people who help are more likely to receive help when needed or wanted. those who don't (cough-michael) find it complicated to get help even when they legitimately need it. those of us who make lots of deposits oftentimes will punish said withdrawler by just saying "no" flat out. actually, we take great joy in it. we will swoon and tell each other. "guess what i just did? m**h**l is in the men's room puking and i said no, i wouldn't finish his shift!" "ha, ha. good one. i said no too. wanna meet me at billy ray's for a beer?" you know what happens when you withdrawl more than you've deposited. yep, your screwed.
top model spoiler below!!!!
i think alison was robbed! i thought she was going to be a hot mess on the runway but she worked it out. she was feirce! she smiled with her eyes! she did a little dance with miss j! she excelled in every photo shoot! she took their advice! this is the shy little girl who told the judges she liked blood! alison! i'm bummed. thoughts?
is anyone else following this farrah fawcet saga? wow. i've cried. i'm so grateful for her making that video. it's huge. i've been following it on the today show but i think i may watch the whole thing tonight. perhaps this exposure to the pains of cancer will move along a cure. hang in there farrah. we love ya! gosh, i wish my sister still had that satin farrah fawcet pillow.

a shout out to my mom and dad and their friends for the loss of their beloved barbie. a relatively young, healthy woman. if this doesn't remind us to live every day like it was our last i don't know. it's amazing how our family roles and dynamics change over time. there i was on the phone trying to support her the best i can from long distance - just like she's done for me over the last 8 years. now me and my sister are in charge of holding them up in their times of need. it's what they did/do for us. time.
peace.

s.a.

2009-05-08T18:11:00.000-07:00

i just received a massage from my girl shaney aalbers over at sugar laboratories on broadway. people. if you haven't had a massage in a while or, god forbid, you've never had one, i encourage you to ask around and see who's good. you deserve it. you know you do. [it's totally worth the money...] i still have this idea that shaney's hands secrete oil and lotion. i never hear her pumping anything or even really having any downtime. she's good. she beat the hell out of me but it feels like a million bucks. sugar laboratories was really hoppin' on a friday afternoon. almost every chair was full and in the middle of my massage, someone must have decided jay-z or something was in order because the thumping from downstairs was a little distracting. shaney has music on but it's not very loud of course. i can move my neck again and i just feel like all the ickiness is out of my body. great.
[a shout out to my co-worker nikki, who ran food for me tonight so i wouldn't have to go back to work after my massage. holla!]

in da hood

2009-05-05T22:33:00.000-07:00

seen on my way home tonight...
a hooker on the corner of mlk and fremont.
a male peeing against the subway restaurant while his female friend "hid" him by standing next to him. [here is where i roll my eyes]
i promise to write here more!
[here is where i shout out to my aunt nancy! hollllaaaa!]

rip city uprise 2008-2009

2009-05-01T22:38:00.000-07:00

thanks gilly!

2009-05-01T21:21:00.001-07:00

the morning after

2009-05-01T07:28:00.000-07:00

well, the portland trailblazer's season came to a screeching halt last night as they let the houston rockets chump them. 20 points. at the very least game 7 was going to be tricky for me as i have to work on saturday night. i might have been more sick to miss game 7. if we would have won game 1, this would have been over on tuesday in portland and it'd be us taking on the lakers. if, if, if.
well, i'm really proud of these guys. no one thought they'd make a series of this (being the youngest team in the playoffs)and i think they showed the league that they better watch out next year. i hope the team learned a valuable lesson last night. brandon roy and lamarcus aldridge cannot be the only guys scoring baskets. if it was more of a team effort it would have at least been closer. travis outlaw had a horrible series. greg oden might as well have started each game with 3 fouls. no excuses, but not one of these guys ever stepped foot on a playoff game floor. i thought they kept their composure and scared the rockets. i like it. they should not hang their heads. they had an amazing season. thank you trailblazers and i hold my breath waiting for the excitement of next year.
30 weeks until next season...
rip city uprise...

yao

2009-04-29T16:48:00.000-07:00

local sports columnist john canzano snapped a photo of yao ming after their loss to portland 88-78 on tuesday night. go here to see the photo. yao sits in a corner in the locker room icing his feet in a bucket. there's a big stink about the photo - some saying canzano violated yao's privacy by posting it on his site. i think the photo is genius and quite telling. this is what yao was thinking...
shit. we couldn't finish off these damn kids. now we are on our heels and the kids probably are feeling momentum. a lot of folks have been predicting trailblazer's in 7. sure the houston rockets haven't gotten out of the first round of playoffs - well, ever (0-6). sure we all think the calls in the series are bogus. if we have to come back to the rose garden, we're fucked.
rip city uprise!
playoffs 2009
blazers in 7

i heart tweets

2009-04-29T16:44:00.000-07:00

it's true...i've joined the forces...
http://twitter.com/carynane

in regards...

2009-04-25T08:21:00.000-07:00

i just wanted to make another comment about kids being bullied in school. my friend lesley's 9 year old son is also bullied regularly and as a parent you must feel a little out of control. i can tell lesley feels that way. what can a parent do besides complain to the school authorities or pull their child out and hope they aren't bullied in a new school? i too was bullied in school. it shattered my self-esteem into my adulthood and made me completely uninterested in school. i was bullied up until the last day of my senior year of high school. i was bullied for being gay - little did i know then that i was gay. [joke's on them, eh?] during my senior year, every day two boys in 4th period english and 5th period psychology (oooo, two classes in a row to torture me!) called me gay to my face as an insult. EVERY DAY. every day. i wasn't exactly insulted since i had no problem with being gay, if i was. because my parents taught me compassion i was able to clearly see that being called gay was not an insult. i ignored them all year but i will never forget dreading going to class. going to school. the problem here is that kids are calling other's "gay" as an insult. this has to start at home, parents. also, why aren't we teaching kids compassion in schools? why can kids get away with this? it's hideously harmful and hurtful to the child being bullied and the child doing the bullying. it is unacceptable and IT MUST STOP! carl hoover-walker's mother did everything right. she called the school officials repeatedly and was ignored. carl hoover-walker was bullied to death. i know kids are mean to each other but this is extreme. i better not hear of this happening to my niece or nephews. seriously. or them doing it to someone else. however, i know my sister and tim have instilled compassion in their children. it's not complicated, people. lead by example and you'll always be successful!

what about my trailblazers, huh? even though they lost last night they made a hell of a run a little too late last night. i do think they scared the rockets a bit there. their lack of defense and the inability to get anything to go down was truly frustrating. these teams are extremely well matched and all of these games are going to be hard won. i'm proud of my guys for not giving up - continuing to shoot and be aggressive. they are definitely the underdogs here but if they can steal one on sunday i think we have a chance. rip city uprise is at a full fever pitch here. signs in everyone's windows, businesses supporting the team and everyone in their gear on game day. last night at rsq every other table was sporting a tee-shirt, a jersey or hat supporting the boys on the road. go get em guys. watch those tapes. we've contained yao, now we need to contain luis scola and von wafer. these guys are desimating us. lamarcus did a good job on scola last night but he just couldn't miss. oh, and refs? just cause we are young and inexperienced doesn't mean the whistle shouldn't be blown on both ends. oh, and just because greg oden breathes on the ball doesn't mean he's commited a foul. give the kid a break! hang in there fellas. if anything, this is the most amazing learning experience and i think they've surprised some folks with their determination after being blown out in game 1.

RIP CITY UPRISE!!

wtf?

2009-04-23T08:57:00.000-07:00

wow. this man is so full of hate i just don't know what to say. my "favorite" part of this rant is that the second caller only gets enough air time to praise "dr" savage and he cuts the caller off twice to hear his own voice. freedom of speech? how about other parts of that constitution, like "all men are created equal"? this man is sick and twisted. i'm sorry to whatever happened to him in his life that made him so un-compassionate. he's probably one of those guys who goes to seedy rest stops to get a blow job from a male prostitute.
check out these tragic stories about 2 11-year-old boys who took their own lives - they killed themselves over this! - because they were bullied at school about being gay. most kids aren't even aware of this at that age. bullying is not taken seriously enough at schools and i hope these two stories can change that...
carl joseph walker-hoover & jaheem herrera.

peace everyone.

la lohan!

2009-04-18T09:16:00.000-07:00

watch this video of lindsay lohan and her eharmony find a mate video. hilarious! this is why i feel so bad for this girl - she is a talented actress in there. this is spot on!

Lindsay Lohan's eHarmony Profile from Lindsay Lohan

beast-ly

2009-04-18T07:50:00.000-07:00

Naomi Pomeroy taught herself how to cook using cookbooks, including a decades-old copy of The Joy of Cooking. The onetime vegetarian eats meat now, but she’s choosy about where it comes from: She picks the non-sustainably raised beef out of her favorite pho noodle soup.
We loved: Charcuterie plate with foie gras bonbon; steak tartare and quail egg toast; chicken liver mousse with candied bacon. -food & wine magazine

Beast

friday april 17, 2009

cream of celery root soup

shaved oregon black truffle

domaine de sousa nv brut tradition

charcuterie plate:

foie-gras bon-bon, sauternes gelee

steak tartare & quail egg toast

pork, pork liver, sour cherry & pistachio pate

chicken liver mousse, maple candied bacon

hiedler riesling loiser berg - 2005

cattail creek lamb loin roulade

braised spring fennel, 7 minute pheasant egg

beet chutney & lamb glace

rostaing les lizardes syrah - 2005

wild gathered greens

morel, bacon & ramp turnover

late harvest sauvignon blanc vinaigrette

domaine lamy st. aubin blanc 'la prince' - 2006

~selection of steve's cheese~

black pepper & fleur de sel shortbread

poached fruit, candied hazelnuts

domaine boulay sancerre chavignol - 2007

cardamom almond parfait

orange scented chocolate sauce & candied citrus

rare wine co. historic series boston bual madeira nv

whoa. that meal was a-maz-ing. naomi was named one of food & wine magazine's best new chefs of 2009 and i must say, she deserves it. my favorite? tough call. the steak tartare was the perfect savory bite. the foie-gras bon-bon? melted on my tongue. my first foie-gras. good. the lamb dish took me to the edge, but damn if there weren't 2 more courses. i don't like beets so i just pushed them to the side. beets do infest everything around it, but the roulade with the sweet beet juice was awesome. the fennel was subtle and the loin? good lord - perfectly cooked. i couldn't even finish the cheese course or the dessert. both great. the cheeses were very mellow, i thought. the perfect segue to that decadent dessert. thank you sharon and di (and naomi). delicious. and nothing beats the conversation and experience.

uprise

2009-04-17T07:29:00.000-07:00

the portland trailblazers tied the division with denver after they KICKED THEIR ASS on wednesday night. george karl insists that he was coaching this game like it was do or die (they'd already secured the number 2 spot in the west) - but i think his guys couldn't care less that they lost by more than 20 points. now they have to share the banner with the trailblazers due to their egos and laziness. i hope the hornets kick em out of the first round. my playoff tickets came in the mail yesterday. wow. i have 2 tickets to every game they make - i could go to the nba finals. if we were so lucky to beat los angeles...hey, maybe someone will take care of them before we need to! dallas got knocked out of the first round the year they won 67 games by the 8th seed golden state warriors. it could happen...believe! rip city uprise!
tonight we eat at beast. naiomi was just names one of the best chefs by food and wine magazine. i'm hungry thinking about it! i'll have a full report later...

thanks. thanks a lot!

2009-04-13T17:32:00.000-07:00

these damn cookies are dangerous! i shouldn't have gotten 2 boxes. oh, and you can't take the box to the couch. only 2! i've still got a box of shortbread and 2 boxes of thin mints and peanut butter patties in the freezer. i'm good to go on cookies for a while! well not those thanks a lots. those things are ridiculous.

you should have seen my suitcase on the way home - busting with cookies. the guy at the x-ray said "who's got girl scout cookies?" quite amusing.

blazer game tonight. big game. must win. can't let okc beat us. wednesday night. big game. must win. can't let denver beat us. if we can beat denver - we're the division champs. what? you say.

rip city uprise!

somewhere only we know

2009-04-13T16:45:00.000-07:00

YOU MUST WATCH THIS. REALLY.

2009-04-12T22:08:00.000-07:00

this has disaster written all over it from the word go.
please watch all 7:07 of it. you won't be sorry.
youtube wouldn't let me embed it so you have to go there to watch it.
enjoy!

over the river & through the woods...

2009-04-11T23:02:00.000-07:00

[my grandmother's amazing yard]

[me & the landscaper ... that's my grandma!]

[the kids & their great-grandmother ... joe is in the glasses]

[me & my girl lauren]

hey everyone. gosh, i feel like i've been gone for so long! i've been in california visiting the 3 coolest kids ever. i love my niece and nephews so much. my sister and her husband have done the most amazing job with those children. they are smart, hilarious, thoughtful and polite. i love how much they genuinely love the family. when brent heard we were going to concord to visit grandma he said, "cool, i haven't seen her for a while." how many 11 year olds think it's cool to visit their 83 year old grandmother? awesome. the trip was so invigorating for me. i hadn't been to visit in 5 months almost! i didn't make it at christmas and i was so low around brent and joe's birthday, i didn't want to bring that to their birthday and i was just having a hard time accepting how depressed i had become. but all that love from the kids and the laughs with my sister and her husband and my mother and my father was outstanding. the visit to my grandmother's was a bit bittersweet as she will probably be moving this coming year and it could be the last time i would be in her house. so many memories in the house. amazing, wonderful memories - i know my mother and father do too. her yard is so amazing and she has done the whole thing herself over 40 years. i could shed a tear thinking about it. i took a million pictures and will make a movie soon.

thank you my wonderful family. i love you all more than i could say here or anywhere else.

p.s. the portland trailblazers want that home court advantage BAD! they are so excited right now that i can't think of any match up in the first round that they couldn't handle.

rip city uprise!

why i love rachel maddow reason #12,591

2009-04-05T08:04:00.000-07:00

um, i laughed out loud at this - rachel's cocktail segment. please, please enjoy this and then tell yr friends. really. i'm not kidding.

always remember kids...safety first!

we love la

2009-04-04T07:01:00.000-07:00

no superstars? you sure about that?
lamarcus aldridge [35 points, 18 rebounds, 39 minutes]

el magico numero ... uno!

"for us it's not about phoenix and the rest of these teams. we're taking care of business and just focusing on us continuing to win games. we know the next one will clinch and then once we do that, we go from there." - nate mcmillan, blazer's head coach

a walk in the 'hood

2009-04-02T14:57:00.000-07:00

i'm sorry...

2009-04-02T08:56:00.000-07:00

i suppose i owe an apology to my readers who love my snarky comment on reality tv and whatnot and all you've been getting is basketball mumbo jumbo. i'm sorry. it's all so ... well, all consuming. it's down to the wire people! i'll try to be less geeky.
--
speaking of apologies, did you all see this...

this portia is all over the damn place! but this is a homo classic. hilarious and subversive all at the same time. kudos for all this speaking out porsh. it's nice seeing her on tv because, well, she's hot. oh and her show is pretty funny too. she's got that stone-face hilarity down to a science. check it out if you haven't. oh, it's called 'better off ted'. bad title but good, smart comedy. wednesday abc 8.30...
"paid for by married gay people who are sorry" HA!
--
tomorrow is friday and you know what that means people, record night! these are the records in the frames this week...

[the police's synchronicity is a true classic. these guys rarely missed a beat. it's a shame sting seems like such a tool.]

[i think she's so unusual is a perfect way to start a friday night! her cover of prince's 'when u were mine' is one of my all time favorites. remember the day you realized what 'she bop' was actually about? that was a rough one! we also know that cyndi is a hetero homo advocate. thanks cyndi!]

the thrilla gets tossed! holla!

2009-04-02T08:51:00.000-07:00

oh, right

2009-04-01T07:41:00.001-07:00

just an ice cream update. imagine whirled peace is absolutely nothing like one sweet whirled. however, it's damn delicious. caramel & sweet cream ice cream with toffee cookie pieces and chocolate peaces! yum. ice cream is good and i felt so peaceful...

"imagine there's no heaven, it's easy if you try. no hell below us, above us only sky. imagine all the people living for today. imagine there's no countries. it isn't hard to do. nothing to kill or die for and no religion too. imagine all the people living life in peace. you may say that i'm a dreamer, but i'm not the only one. i hope someday you'll join us and the world will be as one. imagine no possessions. i wonder if you can. no need for greed or hunger, a brotherhood of man. imagine all the people sharing all the world. you may say that i'm a dreamer, but I'm
not the only one. i hope someday you'll join us and the world will live as one."

the stretch

2009-04-01T07:31:00.000-07:00

[brandon roy & lamarcus ladridge]

here we go. blazer's beat utah by 20 points (125-104). it's their third straight game winning by 20+ points! amazing. these guys are energized and playing like they are practicing for the playoffs. nate has to be pleased right now. rudy out? no problem, let nic play more minutes. ok. 17 points and countless hustle plays that don't make the box score. przybilla ejected (along with carlos boozer and jerry sloan!)? no problem. greg oden can come in an muscle his way to the rim. our leaders? b.roy with 25 points and l.aldridge with 26. this is how you win home court advantage in the playoffs! they do have a last road trip against san antonio, phoenix and los angeles clippers. they can so win these games. go blazers!!!

el magico numero...2!!!!!!!!

trailblazer history nugget

2009-03-30T19:46:00.000-07:00

rip city row is two rows in the 100 section of the arena that you usually buy the seats in a group for large parties.

"the nickname rip city is usually used in the context of the city's nba
team, the portland trailblazers. the term was coined by the team's legendary
play-by-play announcer bill schonely during a game against the los angeles
lakers in the blazers' first season. in a recurring segment on comcast sportsnet
northwest, schonely explained that a three-point play by blazers' player jim
barnett caused the net on the basket to rip. schonely exclaimed "rip city!" at
the sight, and a member of his broadcasting team urged him to run with that as a
rallying cry for the young team"

--
i finished the double bind. wow. great find at my liitle north portland library. the end really threw me for a loop. it kinda got me excited. i think it would be an interesting book club discussion. it would be fun to read the double bind and then the great gatsby and discuss. oohh, fun.

this is a good day...

2009-03-30T08:38:00.000-07:00

this is similar to my favorite ben & jerry's flavor, ever, one sweet whirled. the difference? no marshmallow swirl. o the humanity!

mmmmagic

2009-03-30T07:36:00.000-07:00

el magico numero ... 4
the phoenix suns really are giving me an early birthday present.
thank you cavs for coming back and absolutely man-handling the dallas mavs.
big game on tuesday. we. must. beat. the jazz.
check out the race...

the blazers are 1.5 games out of 1st place in the northwest division
() = games back

denver
portland (1.5)
utah (2)

now, here is the far more important race - the playoff berth. so what we have here is 8 teams vying for 7 spots. phoenix is helping portland clinch a spot by losing (any combo of portland winning and phoenix losing changes our "magic number." if the season was over today, portland would be playing houston. i have to admit, the houston match- up does make me nervous. they have played portland tough this year. the one scenario i don't want to see is denver/portland. that would be a disaster. we just can't seem to defend denver. we'll see in a few weeks when they end the season at home with denver. it should be a HUGE game. oh, did i mention i'll be there in rip city row? my friend anthony's boss bought the tickets and he invited me. how awesome!
portland is playing really great right now. nicolas batum is blossoming, greg oden is playing with confidence off the bench, lamarcus aldridge is quickly establishing himself as one of the up and coming power forwards in the league, we have b.roy and one of the deepest benches in the league. our second unit could easily start on another team.
GO BLAZERS!!

los angeles lakers [the lakers have clinched the west so it's really just a race between the teams below]
san antonio (10)
denver (10.5)
houston (10.5)
portland (12)
utah (12.5)
new orleans (12.5)
dallas (15)
--
phoenix (18.5)

lost

2009-03-29T09:58:00.001-07:00

thank you lost.
i am in.
could lost be the most intriguing show?
ever?
it's one of the only shows i can't wait a week for.
i save up 2 or 3 at a time.
i'm caught up.
shit.
--

yeah, that's right. portland trailblazers.

2009-03-27T09:56:00.000-07:00

el magico numero...6

trailblazers obliterated the pheonix suns last night at the rose garden - winning by 20 points. [129-109] one of mike rice's [m.r.] keys of the game was that the winning team would need to score 118 points. me and anthony thought he was drunk again. dammit. i hate when m.r. is right. you know we'll have to hear about it. rudy fernandez had one of his best games of the season. the spanish armada (r.fernandez & sergio rodriguez) gave us a show last night with rudy sinking 5 of 6 3-pointers! wow. l-train (lamarcus aldridge) knocked down 29 points and killed the boards with 12. that was playoff basketball boys. good work. i loved that blow out last night. it was so loud inside the rose garden that my ears were ringing afterwards. me and anthony couldn't even talk to each other. i was so pleased that game was shown nationally on tnt. unfortunately, now everyone knows how awesome portland is. damn.

adam on a.i.? wow. loved it. the best.

amos, tori

2009-03-26T16:51:00.000-07:00

for some reason i thought about tori amos this afternoon.
so i googled her to make sure she wasn't arrested or dead or something*.
then i posted a picture of her.
i did find out that tori will have a new record out on may 19th**.

*i'm relieved to know that tori is not dead or in jail and probably in england someplace being...english.
**this record is called abnormally attracted to sin. oh tori.

merry christmas!

2009-03-25T21:56:00.000-07:00

i saw this on perez this morning. i laughed out loud. we think she's all better. but she's not. she's still nuts. poor thing. perhaps she forgot her meds this morning. i know how i feel if i forget. eek! keep in mind that this was on march 24, 2009. listen closely around the :48 second mark.

---
quickly, holla back to tara from the biggest loser. she smoked all those fools - she pulled a 2 ton car with close to 300 pounds in it. awesome. and to think she almost let them break her. if she can gain some allies and keep herself in this game, tara will win. they would all be fools to keep her around. but i love tara, i'd love to see her win. maybe she'll win the second prize.

---
scully is acting so lovey with me right now that i fear she is going to steal my breath in my sleep tonight. i just wanted to let you all know should i wake to my breath stolen.

again?

2009-03-25T07:33:00.000-07:00

try posting again lesley...

on this day ...

2009-03-24T07:04:00.000-07:00

[1973 ... the album "dark side of the moon" by pink floyd was released]

[1989 ... the nation's worst oil spill occurred as the supertanker exxon valdez ran aground on a reef in alaska's prince william sound and began leaking 11 million gallons of crude oil]

scully growls & hisses at ellen

2009-03-23T11:27:00.000-07:00

on this day ... 2008

2009-03-23T08:59:00.001-07:00

a roadside bomb killed four u.s. soldiers in baghdad, pushing the overall american death toll in the five-year war to at least 4,000.

on this day ... 1965

2009-03-21T21:03:00.000-07:00

on march 21, 1965, more than 3,000 civil rights demonstrators led by the rev. martin luther king jr. began their march from selma to montgomery, alabama.

pine state

2009-03-21T06:51:00.000-07:00

[the mcisley. oh. my. god. it's good. not vegetarian friendly.]
in portland?
go here.

el magico!

2009-03-21T06:29:00.000-07:00

portland trailblazer's magic numer... 9
[c'mon phoenix! i don't want to root for you to lose. give up! let us have it! it's been much longer for us and we want it real bad. well, i do.]

r.h.n.y.c.

2009-03-20T08:15:00.001-07:00

i can't believe i just read one of the most profound books i've ever read and now i'm watching a real housewives of nyc marathon. really? last season i really enjoyed these ladies. i thought they were funny and not as super ridiculous as the orange county wives. but this season? they are all just a little bit catty. luann is out of her mind. she thinks she's an expert on etiquette and she's writing a book. meanwhile, she's trying to hush a crowd at a benefit (where she's being honored, of course) and then goes back to her table and continues to talk about how rude everyone is throughout the entire intro. the zinger? she was shocked that the woman giving the intro wasn't referring to her as "countess." she married a count (15 years her senior) and takes her "title" very seriously. it's hilarious. the episode where ramona tells luann that she thought her husband was twice her age was priceless. you can't script this stuff! alex and simon are the "white trash" snobs. her and her husband live in near squalor in brooklyn. their brownstone is a disaster - they're remodeling. they are living in a closet with their 2 obnoxious children. i think jill and bethany are the most human. the new "wife" kelly is ... well, i'm not sure why she's on this season. she's the ex of tyra banks photographer, the infamous jil bin simone. awesome. however, she is the most stuck up of them 5. ooohhh, next week is fashion week in new york! i can't wait.

future record night ... like tonight

2009-03-19T16:11:00.000-07:00

3/19/2009

[love]

--
i finished the road. i'm trying not to swoon over it so ridiculously. it really has me thinking. no survivor tonight so record night it is. i'm taking a break from reading so i can recover from the last one. i'm not ready to let them go yet. i needed some positive mojo after the tragedy of that book. who doesn't make love songs better than lenny kravitz? and that old stevie wonder record? awesome. i lost that record in the divorce and i mentioned it to my friend jenn whilst we shopped for records for record night and she bought it for me. she's so kind. me, her and sharon got breakfast and hung out today. it was fun.
peace and love

words i couldn't conjure about the road

2009-03-18T08:34:00.000-07:00

"there is an urgency to each page, and a raw emotional pull...making [the road] easily one of the most harrowing books you'll ever encounter...once opened, [it is] nearly impossible to put down; it is as if you must keep reading in order for the characters to stay alive...the road is a deeply imagined work and harrowing no matter what your politics." -bookforum

"devastating...mccarthy has never seemed more at home, more eloquent, than in the sere, postapocalyptic ash land of the road...extraordinarily lovely and sad...[a] masterpiece." -entertainment weekly.

* * * * *
it was hard to start this book because it's written in a very stream of conscience, non-punctuated manner that is hard to comprehend. once you do, the first review is spot on! i read 90 pages last night before bed for the very reason of making sure the boy and his father stay the good guys. and alive. it's told in short cryptic, concise paragraphs. it is punctuated with deeply philosophical ideas that really make me feel a pit and a sense of urgency in my stomach. this is rare for me with books. please check this book out and we'll talk about it.

biggest loser spoiler!!!!

* * * * *
oh cathy from the biggest loser sacrificing herself for aubrey. i really admire that cathy. there is something about her that reminds me of my own mother. selfless. funny. adorable. approachable. way to go cathy - don't ever stop. kristin, come on girl! +1? my heart broke for her. the frustration and pressure is probably mounting now. tara too - she is starting to plateau i think. it's going to be harder and harder for her to lose weight. she looks amazing. kristin looks great too, but has more weight to lose than tara. the thing i love about the biggest loser is that everyone (well, sans vickie from last season) is there to lose weight and make their lives better and support each other. cathy knew aubrey would have a hard time at home with 5 kids and she did lose 5 pounds this week.

* * * * *
wait! there is a commercial for a "cleaner" called 30 seconds outdoor cleaner. it gets off moss and slimy stuff that collects over the winter. especially here in the damp pacific northwest. you just spray it on and rinse it off after 30 seconds and, voila! moss gone. what is this chemical? it's getting washed into our rivers and streams and could kill oceanic life and you know, us. don't use chemicals for this people! as sharon would exclaim, "IT'S TOXIC!" call me, i'll bring over the power washer and go to town. i power washed sharon's entire house, deck and porch last year. i also power washed my friends, andrea and jerry's deck! i also power washed the courtyard at my apartment! i'm thinking in a couple months it'll be time to do more power washing. i love that thing! it's amazingly satisfying. it's way better than sweeping or vacuuming. [1 C, 2 U's? i can never remember! spellcheck!] you get out the iPod, make a power washing playlist and go to town! sharon came out and brought me a cold beverage and a snack from time to time. and i was allowed bathroom breaks.

* * * * *
so go get the road. for reals, not for fakes.
also...
go get neko case's new record, middle cyclone. it's not her best by a long shot but it's catchy. she can't help it. plus she's on the hood of a 1967 mercury cougar - the car i learned to drive in and drove mostly through high school. we all cried the day it drove down the street. thanks for the memories, neko! oh, plus me and johna and jenn will be at the crystal when she comes to portland. i was hoping for a different venue, but it's the perfect mid-sized room for her.
poor natasha richardson! get well soon...

uh, cute

2009-03-16T20:14:00.001-07:00

if you saw ellen's show today you'll want to check this out before they take it down. i don't know how we can not let two people this in love be legally married. honestly. [you can probably see it at ellen's website too.]

recent record nights

2009-03-16T09:54:00.000-07:00

3/2/2009

[influential women night]

3/15/2009
[tranny night!]

[i swear, when it's nicer out, i'm having a record night/early evening. i don't care what my no-fun neighbor has to say about it! you will come armed with your record and beverage of choice...maybe when my sister is here!]

on this day ... 44 b.c.

2009-03-15T12:13:00.000-07:00

roman dictator julius caesar was assassinated by a group of nobles that included brutus and cassius.

this day ... 1967

2009-03-14T08:54:00.001-07:00

the body of president john f. kennedy was moved from a temporary grave to a permanent memorial site at arlington national cemetery.

lez letdown / pruning / blazers steal a win

2009-03-14T07:36:00.000-07:00

lez letdown...

well, the l word came to an abrupt and unsatisfying end. it had to be one of the worst series endings i've ever anticipated and witnessed. my prediction was incorrect, of course, but it would have been better than never knowing what/who killed jenny. i saw what chaiken was trying to do here, reiterate a million times what a close knit group they are. that even though they all had "reasons" to want to kill jenny (no matter how asinine) - they never would because they loved each other unconditionally. friendships like these don't come along everyday, which is true, but because they were so beloved i think we/they deserved a little more than the interrogations about what might have happened to jenny. are we to assume she fell through the railing outside bette and tina's bedroom? what was nikki stevens doing in the bushes? bette was pretty pissed at her, but does my sweet bette porter have it in her to kill jenny? perhaps jenny's little dog, sounder, had had enough too. i'm not ruling anything out at this point. whatever. all i know is that the first lesbian drama on television came in like a lion and left a scrawny kitty cat. it's a shame. i feel used. i know chaiken had the best of intentions but it fell about 2 miles short of the finish line. we did find out that jenny did steal the negatives to lez girls and shane finds molly's letter. tasha came back to alice (thankfully, something good happens), helena can't trust dylan and leaves her and kit rides into sunset boulevard (the drag queen). we get one last look at sexy carmen, marina and tim during jenny's sweet and touching tribute to bette and tina for their going away gathering. [by the way, the remodel on bette and tina's place is frighteningly modern...like "jetson's" modern. it doesn't even look like their fantastic california sprawler.] alright. i'm disappointed. what can i say?

pruning...

i pruned for the first time yesterday with sharon in her yard. i did the rose bushes. it was such a beautiful day yesterday (almost 60 degrees!!!) and i had a great time. it makes me want a yard - but i know better! thanks sharon!

blazer's steal a win before road trip...
i can't believe the portland trailblazers came back to win that game against new jersey. it's annoying that it was so hard for them. this should have been a gimmie. however, they are coming off the dallas loss and leave for a 5 game road trip today. nic batum was unbelievable (20 points 2 blocks). this rookie got a shot when martell webster went down and has been a pleasant surprise to fans and the coaches. san antonio got pritch-slapped in the draft when portland snuck in and drafted him the pick right before SA was about to draft him. [pritch-slapped is a term we use here in rip city for getting duped by general manager, kevin pritchard. he gets 98.9% of the credit for putting together this great, young, portland team. thanks kevin!] joel pryzbilla had 5 blocks - all in the first half! brandon roy had 0 (yes, that's Z-E-R-O) field goals in the entire first half and ends the game with 31 points.
portland moves into a tie with utah for first in the northwest division. only 17 games remain...
portland's magic number: 11

we believe.

i heart l.a.

2009-03-12T09:14:00.000-07:00

no my first name ain't baby - it's lamarcus. mr. aldridge if you're nasty!

neko

2009-03-11T15:47:00.000-07:00

neko case (born september 8, 1970 in alexandria, virginia) is an american alternative country singer-songwriter, best known for her solo career and her contributions as a member of the canadian indie rock group the new pornographers.
case recorded and toured for several years as 'neko case & her boyfriends' before switching to just her name. she primarily performs her own material, but also performs and has recorded cover versions of songs by artists such as loretta lynn, tom waits, nick lowe, buffy sainte-marie, randy newman, queen, bob dylan, neil young, and hank williams. She frequently infuses humorous narratives into her live sets.
she is protective of her artistic independence, combining punk's do it yourself ethic, a strong business sense, and clear opinions about her artistic goals. she has spurned offers from major record labels because they don't offer her enough control of her music, remaining affiliated with mint records in canada and bloodshot and ANTI- in the United States.

1997

2000

2001

2002

2004

2006 [fox confessor brings the flood]

2007

2009

with the new pornographers

2000 mass romantic

2003 electric version

2005 twin cinema

2007 challengers

iPhone

2009-03-09T09:06:00.000-07:00

if someone asks you if you want to check out their iPhone, just say no. if you find yourself with that sleek, shiny, hand-held computer in your palm remember i warned you here first. love. love at first sight/touch. just a click - oh, you're on the internet. another - oh, i'm updating my blog. another? i've just taken your picture. what? music? yep. phone? yep. amazing. this little thing is what i thought things might do in the "future" - here it is.
sharon and diane bought theirs because johna ordered one and sharon didn't want to have iPhone envy. it ends up that johna can't figure out her address and typed it in wrong so they wouldn't send it to her because her info didn't jive with her card info! what a stoner. now me and johna have iPhone envy and think we are going to become "friends & family." it's cheaper the more people on your plan you have. i'll keep you posted.
i heart iPhone

lez girls

2009-03-08T09:22:00.000-07:00

coming to a 6 year end tonight is ilene chaiken's ground-breaking lesbian series, the l word. i've talked a lot about how annoying this show is - but when you break it down, it's just a soap opera with chicks. hot chicks. when the l word first appeared it got a lot of flack for all the women on the show being "too hot" and not "lesbian" enough. it's true that only two of the women are actual lesbians (leisha "alice" hailey and daniela "moira/max" sea) and that the "straight" women are hot, hot, hot. [i've had jennifer beals in my minds eye for 6 years - yum!] perhaps "too hot" to be gay. the writing lacked and the acting sometimes left a lot to be desired (good acting cannot overcome bad writing). ilene pissed me off when she killed off dana and broke my heart when carmen was written out. [can anyone forget carmen's sexy dance for shane in the dining room?]ilene's show, however, has broken down many stereotypes and boundaries for lesbians on television. if i had a show like the l word when i was coming of sexual age perhaps it wouldn't have been so hard for me to be honest and feel good about who i was. the only gay person i saw on tv was billy crystal in soap and he was so flamboyant it seemed a mockery. ellen degeneres came along 20 years later and changed every one's perception about homosexuality and probably made it possible for a show like the l word and it's predessor queer as folk.
all of the actors really took this show very seriously and boldly embraced their characters. they had to because in the hands of worse actors this show never would have lasted more than a season. j. beals and laurel holloman (bette & tina) have some of the best chemistry between two virtual strangers i have ever seen. l. hailey (alice), is close to comic genius i've seen in a while. her timing is spot on and i hope she gets to do something else fun soon. [it's rumored that alice will be getting her own spin-off type show, but i have no actual proof or info. so as the real estalker says, don't go spreading it around like it's gospel!] katherine "i swear i'm not really gay" moennig is shane. i'll never be able to look at her in another role with out thinking of shane. mia kirshner as jenny was just brilliant. she took that character from meek victim to fun loving friend to crazy film director to shattered woman. great. thank you mia! i've already spoken of rachel shelley and helena peabody's odd transformation. who am i forgetting? oh, kit! giiiiiirrrrrl! bad ass pam grier was left short of a fully developed character. i think it was season 4 or 5 when her lines consisted of "giiiiirrrrrl" "baby girl" "baby sis" "my boo" and others. the many great guest spots like ossie davis and gloria steinem to snoop dog and sleater-kinney. great extended guest spots from marlee matlin and cybill shephard.
i'm worried about how this is going to end because there is only the one episode left and nothing is getting resolved! here's how the bear thinks this will end (especially if chaiken was feeling really evil):
who killed jenny? jenny killed jenny. the last act of defiance. her swan song. but wait! we're back in tim's converted garage and jenny is sitting in front of her laptop. this is lez girls, jenny's novel about the escapades of tim and jenny's glamorous lesbian neighbors she eyes through the fence, bette and tina and their circle of los angeles lesbians. the book ends with jenny (the writer) killing off the evil jenny (the "character") because it's the only way it could end. the show began with jenny arriving in los angeles and it will end with her leaving. tim and jenny are married and live happily ever after. i know this isn't the most popular of endings but i will laugh my ass off if she pulls a dallas on us.
so, in conclusion, thanks ilene chaiken for giving us 6 maddening years of a lesbian soap opera - who knows when we'll see another. these women will forever be in my lexicon. don't forget to watch tonight or find it online. i can't tell you where but if you look hard enough you'll find it. if you've never watched, go. go now and rent seasons 1-5. by the time you're done season 6 will be available!

s.d.

2009-03-07T10:14:00.000-08:00

sarah dougher is an author, teacher, and singer-songwriter from portland oregon.

dougher has a ph.d in comparative literature from the university of texas. apart from her musical endeavours, dougher teaches courses on the history of women in rock music and lyric poetry in the women's studies department at portland state university.

dougher has been an organizer for the rock and roll camp for girls, and is currently involved with the girls rock camp alliance, an international coalition of girls' rock camps.

she is a full time teacher and development person for p:ear, a mentoring program for homeless teens in downtown portland.

the first of her solo albums, day one, was released on indie label k records in 1999; the latter two, 2000's walls ablaze and 2001's the bluff, were released on mr. lady records. in june 2005, dougher released harper's arrow on the cherchez la femme label.

dougher has also worked with sleater-kinney vocalist corin tucker and novelist sts in the band cadallaca, where she provided backing vocals and played the farfisa organ. in the tradition of 1960's girl groups, each member of the band assumed an alias, dougher being credited as dusty. the band put out two official albums: introducing cadallaca and out west, both of which contributed to the band's growing cult-fanbase.

dougher was diagnosed with breast cancer in the summer of 2004 - she is now in remission.

helena peabody

2009-03-03T09:40:00.001-08:00

the l word. this show is finally coming to an end after 6 gloriously bad seasons and the person i ended up really rooting for and loving - helena. yes, the helena peabody. the one that seduced a very pregnant tina and ruined bette's life at the california arts center. in season 2 she was a monster; in season 3 she's a hilarious, funloving sidekick to the group. everyone ends up loving helena. even bette by season 6. helena ended up losing her fortune, been hoodwinked by a woman she fell in love with (damn that dylan!), was hoodwinked again by a different woman but stole all her money and hid it, went to jail [the conversation where alice told her not to drop the soap was hilarious], fell in love with her cell mate, got out bought the planet with kit, then fell in love with first said hoodwinked girl again (yay, dylan!). through all of that helena became my favorite friend on the l word. oh, and she just got sexier and sexier.

rachel shelley - isn't she cute?

on sunday the l word comes to a close. ilene is leaving us with 8 pathetic episodes. episode 7 i thought would start wrapping things up, but i was foiled again. i have this horrible fantasy that jenny is still with tim and writing her first novel about their sexy lesbian neighbors, bette and tina and their menagerie of friends and their probable escapades. she lives vicariously through what she sees through the fence. she marries tim and lives happily ever after. wouldn't that just piss everyone off? the last 2 seasons, jenny has been a pretty over the top, sensational villain. i mean, this is stuff writers save for daytime serials. this couldn't have all really happened. we shall see. if all this is true then maybe dana is still alive! that'd be one way to have dana in the finale. good god, i can't wait for this to be over!

playlist

2009-03-02T09:47:00.000-08:00

hey ya'll! the sun is out. again! yay. i'm going to air out the apartment today and clean. for some reason a sunny day makes me want to clean stuff and get organized. so, i made a playlist. of course. this playlist was inspired by songs i played on KCSC in the 90's. enjoy!

last laugh by dance hall crashers...and maybe i was wrong this one time
no-handed by sarah dougher...stop acting like i knew stop acting like i planned it
where you get love by matthew sweet...i'm here if you want to keep me near
slow dog by belly...thought i'd leave this world by 21
one of these days by camper van beethoven...when you figure it all out be sure and let me know
supervixen by garbage...i will be your religion
these days by r.e.m....we are hope despite the times
bigmouth strikes again by the smiths...now i know how joan of arc felt
two beers later by cadallaca...now the room is different boys, beers and boobs
lost & saved by juliana hatfield...you're on your feet and i'm in quicksand
beautiful john by madder rose...you're no flower
wave of mutilation by the pixies...drive my car into the ocean
valerie loves me by material issue...it's such a shame she's not with me
my iron lung by radiohead...you don't mean it but it hurts like hell
start together by sleater-kinney...don't tear apart what we worked for
time bomb by rancid...secrets to a good life if knowing when you're through

100 posts!

2009-02-27T17:19:00.000-08:00