revelations

two days ago portia de rossi was on the oprah winfrey show talking about her struggles with anorexia, bulimia and coming out as a homosexual. i was surprisingly off that day and decided since it was oprah's last season, i oughta watch it. there she was talking about her book unbearable lightness a story of loss and gain. her madness of anorexia and bulimia. madness. she was crazy. she hated herself so much and had such a skewed image of her body [and how hollywood didn't help...]. she isolated herself to lonliness and puked her guts out after eating entire bags of cheetos and making herself throw it up into a bag somewhere behind a dumpster and use her t-shirt to clean herself up, only to toss it away and get back in her car and drive off. she never let anyone know how miserable she was. 82 pounds was her all time low. 168 her highest. i was shocked that she felt so bad about herself. i would look at someone like her, just like most of us would, and my closeted homo mind would think wow, she's beautiful. there's rumors of her gayness. how amazing would it be if someone who looked like her would come out. showing the world that you don't have to be stereotypically "dyk-ish" to be queer. things will be different by the time she comes out...if she ever does. i found myself drawn more to her story of her coming out. it seemed so much like mine. the fear. the shame. the loneliness. the isolation. the sadness. hating yrself, literally hating yrself for not being "normal" - like my sister or ... just everyone. i didn't know anyone who was gay growing up and let's face it, it was the 80's and i didn't start hearing about queers until AIDS came to be and then it was only men the media focused on. i didn't have any gay role models. kd lang had been out, but i didn't relate to her. ellen coming out in 1997 was historic. any lesbian around my age knows just where they watched her come out on national television. it was beautiful. portia came out in 2004 - when she began dating ellen. hmm. she's my age. how weird must it be to be dating, and soon marry, such an iconic lesbian. how weird...but how fucking normal. they seem to love each other so much and she credits ellen for showing her that love can save you. corny. true. i think.

her mother's struggle struck me too. i chose to not officially come out to my parents until i realized i'd been cheated on and broken up with. i needed my mommy. i told her meredith was leaving me. i knew it. it's ok if she would have been a little more honest and done it before she began cheating, perhaps it would have ended differently. i hear through friends that she's well. i'm glad. we all deserve love in our lives. i'll never forgive her for what she did to me, but i wish her well. mommy listened and told me it'd all be alright. her and dad would help me get the hell out of there. i was to look for an apartment immediately and they would foot the bill no questions asked. i felt awful after i hung up the phone. here i was 600 miles away and still running to mommy and daddy. depending on my parents like my safety net. they were NEVER not there to catch me. i felt like i'd used my mom that day to cry to. i never let her know anything that was going on. i lied to her. by not telling, i lied. i looked that day, found a place and then wrote my parents a 5 page letter explaining how gay i was and that by not telling them that it looked like i was ashamed of it. and i wasn't. i think about that now and know it wasn't true. i was ashamed of being gay. i felt like i let my parents down. that i wouldn't produce grandchildren for them or have a conventional life. i didn't want them to be disappointed or worry about me. they don't worry so much of my sister because she's happily married to probably the greatest guy ever. she's being taken care of. my life is this circle of people, my sister, tim, b j l , mom, dad. what if they decided it wasn't cool? what if my sister didn't let me see the boys anymore. my beloved boys. what if? i'd never know because i kept it a secret up until i was about to move to portland and i'd grown so close with my sister. i told her one day over coffee on her couch. i won't forget her reaction. i then felt bad for telling her and probably ruining her life. great, good job caryn. i hated myself for being selfish enough to just be me. i wanted to please and i was gonna do it. my sister and i didn't talk for a few weeks. but because i was moving to portland we were forced to see each other before i left. she cried and told me her truth. i cried too. i felt bad for leading her on all this time. my sister. unconditional love. i felt like even though i was moving away in a few weeks, we'd just solidified our relationship for life. my sister went to number 1 on the speed dial. for her, i die. truth. honesty. it's amazing. i always wondered what it would be like to someday be able to repay my parents for being who they are and instilling it in me and my sister - and now their grandchildren. letting us be just who we are and celebrating it to their friends. this is how i do it. today, i choose to be happy. live a happy life to repay my parents for what they've done for me. i do that because i know that's all they want for both my sister and me.

i now live my life so openly. i chose to go to a silent retreat and it opened the door for this kind of thinking. i was ashamed of being gay. of embarrassing my family. it's kept me from getting the kind of relationship i want - love, a partner who wants to be with just me. for me. for who i am. for once. as morrissey once said

please, for once in my life let me get what i want/lord knows it would be the first time

[i didn't read this before publishing. it may be pulled once i am actually sane and re-read it! enjoy while it's here...]

dland 2006

dland 2010

another fun family trip to the happiest place on earth.

seriously...

when i return from california - update city.
for reals.
no really.
i mean it.
i think.
my manicure is ruined.
my dad made me climb in the attic.
to retrieve my silly stuff.
it's dusty.
cobwebby.
junk.
the first box of books.
lesbian erotica.
celebrating the joy of lesbian childbirth.

dad: "isn't there only 2 ways to do that? why an entire book?"
me: "mine did it the old fashioned way. lucky me, eh?"

tons of books.
childhood memories.
pee-wee herman watch.
man, i sure did love tori amos.
lots of fanzines.
my signed tour book when i met tori.
bootlegs.
videos.
more boots.
more videos.
wow.

mom: "are you going to open more boxes? it's like christmas!"

ok.

i know it's been forever but i've been working a ton since half of rsq is sick and/or on vacation and jake is broken. i'm tired. i successfully pawned the end of my shift off to kaiya who, by doing that, just received a big withdrawl. i decided to help lesley by working her lunch shift - hostessing no less [that's how much i adore that lesley!] - and i have a regular serving shift on thursday nights but i just didn't want to do it. me and johna had a serious sugar high [anthony, you are no longer allowed to bring candy into this apartment!] and i was annoying my tables. i could tell. i already tried to pawn my shift off to rosey [he was going to some tranny gig...this is normal] and michael [he stayed up drinking 'til 4 am] unsuccessfully. i'm happy to say that michael had to pull the car over to puke on his way to my house to drop off johna and i got the night off! thanks kaiya. i had no interest in closing that restaurant. withdrawls and deposits are huge in the serving game. people who help are more likely to receive help when needed or wanted. those who don't (cough-michael) find it complicated to get help even when they legitimately need it. those of us who make lots of deposits oftentimes will punish said withdrawler by just saying "no" flat out. actually, we take great joy in it. we will swoon and tell each other. "guess what i just did? m**h**l is in the men's room puking and i said no, i wouldn't finish his shift!" "ha, ha. good one. i said no too. wanna meet me at billy ray's for a beer?" you know what happens when you withdrawl more than you've deposited. yep, your screwed.
top model spoiler below!!!!
i think alison was robbed! i thought she was going to be a hot mess on the runway but she worked it out. she was feirce! she smiled with her eyes! she did a little dance with miss j! she excelled in every photo shoot! she took their advice! this is the shy little girl who told the judges she liked blood! alison! i'm bummed. thoughts?
is anyone else following this farrah fawcet saga? wow. i've cried. i'm so grateful for her making that video. it's huge. i've been following it on the today show but i think i may watch the whole thing tonight. perhaps this exposure to the pains of cancer will move along a cure. hang in there farrah. we love ya! gosh, i wish my sister still had that satin farrah fawcet pillow.

a shout out to my mom and dad and their friends for the loss of their beloved barbie. a relatively young, healthy woman. if this doesn't remind us to live every day like it was our last i don't know. it's amazing how our family roles and dynamics change over time. there i was on the phone trying to support her the best i can from long distance - just like she's done for me over the last 8 years. now me and my sister are in charge of holding them up in their times of need. it's what they did/do for us. time.
peace.

somewhere only we know

over the river & through the woods...

[my grandmother's amazing yard]

[me & the landscaper ... that's my grandma!]

[the kids & their great-grandmother ... joe is in the glasses]

[me & my girl lauren]

hey everyone. gosh, i feel like i've been gone for so long! i've been in california visiting the 3 coolest kids ever. i love my niece and nephews so much. my sister and her husband have done the most amazing job with those children. they are smart, hilarious, thoughtful and polite. i love how much they genuinely love the family. when brent heard we were going to concord to visit grandma he said, "cool, i haven't seen her for a while." how many 11 year olds think it's cool to visit their 83 year old grandmother? awesome. the trip was so invigorating for me. i hadn't been to visit in 5 months almost! i didn't make it at christmas and i was so low around brent and joe's birthday, i didn't want to bring that to their birthday and i was just having a hard time accepting how depressed i had become. but all that love from the kids and the laughs with my sister and her husband and my mother and my father was outstanding. the visit to my grandmother's was a bit bittersweet as she will probably be moving this coming year and it could be the last time i would be in her house. so many memories in the house. amazing, wonderful memories - i know my mother and father do too. her yard is so amazing and she has done the whole thing herself over 40 years. i could shed a tear thinking about it. i took a million pictures and will make a movie soon.

thank you my wonderful family. i love you all more than i could say here or anywhere else.

p.s. the portland trailblazers want that home court advantage BAD! they are so excited right now that i can't think of any match up in the first round that they couldn't handle.

rip city uprise!

thankful

i think yesterday had to be my most favorite thanksgiving memory. ever. i laughed and ate and rested and ate and laughed and indulged and laughed and ate and felt loved. how can you go wrong with that? day of decadence 2008 began at about 10:30 am and ended around 9:00 pm. we started with champagne and coffee. when i arrived di was preparing fresh (never frozen) alaskan king crab legs and dipping sauces. sharon and i, of course, couldn't wait for the rest of the guests and got in there immediately. we were able to hold out on the entire platter until the final guests arrived after noon. michael and tim almost missed the fresh (never frozen) alaskan king crab legs. we wii'd and chatted and drank and indulged and laughed. then johna and jenn prepared their food. jenn made the most amazing stuffed mushrooms, which people were falling all over themselves to eat (me included), and johna's crab and chili sauce was stellar. she was going to do black bean and garlic sauce but she was feeling, well, saucy! in the middle of all of this we had my rice crispy treats, tim's AMAZING cringle, jana's granny's famous rum cake and tim's chocolate pecan pie and pumpkin pie. oh, and michael's artichoke spinach dip. then a walk was had. however, i wore my slippers and it was raining so me and a few other's stayed in. when the main course came, i didn't think we'd have any room but lo and behold, we did! diane seriously outdid herself. all the usual suspects; turkey, masher's, THE BEST STUFFING EVER, gravy, brussel sprouts, yams, cranberries and spinach salad. jenn also made homemade kahlua - so johna busted out a mexican coke and kahlua with a splash of cream. no? yes! we finally came to fully understand the day of decadence, i think. it's all in the pacing and the mixing of the sweet and the savory. michael got sucked in by sharon and di's couch for a few minutes and me and jana spent only a few minutes groaning and clutching our stomach's. it didn't stop us, however, from the final indulgence of desserts with diane's hand-whipped fresh whipping cream.
it's a little cliche, but i am so grateful for sharon and diane, jenn and johna, michael and tim, and helen and jana. it was the best day i had all week. thanks girls (oh, and tim and michael but close enough!). only 365 more days until day of decadence 2009!
peace, for now, as i prepare my leftover plate for breakfast...