revelations

two days ago portia de rossi was on the oprah winfrey show talking about her struggles with anorexia, bulimia and coming out as a homosexual. i was surprisingly off that day and decided since it was oprah's last season, i oughta watch it. there she was talking about her book unbearable lightness a story of loss and gain. her madness of anorexia and bulimia. madness. she was crazy. she hated herself so much and had such a skewed image of her body [and how hollywood didn't help...]. she isolated herself to lonliness and puked her guts out after eating entire bags of cheetos and making herself throw it up into a bag somewhere behind a dumpster and use her t-shirt to clean herself up, only to toss it away and get back in her car and drive off. she never let anyone know how miserable she was. 82 pounds was her all time low. 168 her highest. i was shocked that she felt so bad about herself. i would look at someone like her, just like most of us would, and my closeted homo mind would think wow, she's beautiful. there's rumors of her gayness. how amazing would it be if someone who looked like her would come out. showing the world that you don't have to be stereotypically "dyk-ish" to be queer. things will be different by the time she comes out...if she ever does. i found myself drawn more to her story of her coming out. it seemed so much like mine. the fear. the shame. the loneliness. the isolation. the sadness. hating yrself, literally hating yrself for not being "normal" - like my sister or ... just everyone. i didn't know anyone who was gay growing up and let's face it, it was the 80's and i didn't start hearing about queers until AIDS came to be and then it was only men the media focused on. i didn't have any gay role models. kd lang had been out, but i didn't relate to her. ellen coming out in 1997 was historic. any lesbian around my age knows just where they watched her come out on national television. it was beautiful. portia came out in 2004 - when she began dating ellen. hmm. she's my age. how weird must it be to be dating, and soon marry, such an iconic lesbian. how weird...but how fucking normal. they seem to love each other so much and she credits ellen for showing her that love can save you. corny. true. i think.

her mother's struggle struck me too. i chose to not officially come out to my parents until i realized i'd been cheated on and broken up with. i needed my mommy. i told her meredith was leaving me. i knew it. it's ok if she would have been a little more honest and done it before she began cheating, perhaps it would have ended differently. i hear through friends that she's well. i'm glad. we all deserve love in our lives. i'll never forgive her for what she did to me, but i wish her well. mommy listened and told me it'd all be alright. her and dad would help me get the hell out of there. i was to look for an apartment immediately and they would foot the bill no questions asked. i felt awful after i hung up the phone. here i was 600 miles away and still running to mommy and daddy. depending on my parents like my safety net. they were NEVER not there to catch me. i felt like i'd used my mom that day to cry to. i never let her know anything that was going on. i lied to her. by not telling, i lied. i looked that day, found a place and then wrote my parents a 5 page letter explaining how gay i was and that by not telling them that it looked like i was ashamed of it. and i wasn't. i think about that now and know it wasn't true. i was ashamed of being gay. i felt like i let my parents down. that i wouldn't produce grandchildren for them or have a conventional life. i didn't want them to be disappointed or worry about me. they don't worry so much of my sister because she's happily married to probably the greatest guy ever. she's being taken care of. my life is this circle of people, my sister, tim, b j l , mom, dad. what if they decided it wasn't cool? what if my sister didn't let me see the boys anymore. my beloved boys. what if? i'd never know because i kept it a secret up until i was about to move to portland and i'd grown so close with my sister. i told her one day over coffee on her couch. i won't forget her reaction. i then felt bad for telling her and probably ruining her life. great, good job caryn. i hated myself for being selfish enough to just be me. i wanted to please and i was gonna do it. my sister and i didn't talk for a few weeks. but because i was moving to portland we were forced to see each other before i left. she cried and told me her truth. i cried too. i felt bad for leading her on all this time. my sister. unconditional love. i felt like even though i was moving away in a few weeks, we'd just solidified our relationship for life. my sister went to number 1 on the speed dial. for her, i die. truth. honesty. it's amazing. i always wondered what it would be like to someday be able to repay my parents for being who they are and instilling it in me and my sister - and now their grandchildren. letting us be just who we are and celebrating it to their friends. this is how i do it. today, i choose to be happy. live a happy life to repay my parents for what they've done for me. i do that because i know that's all they want for both my sister and me.

i now live my life so openly. i chose to go to a silent retreat and it opened the door for this kind of thinking. i was ashamed of being gay. of embarrassing my family. it's kept me from getting the kind of relationship i want - love, a partner who wants to be with just me. for me. for who i am. for once. as morrissey once said

please, for once in my life let me get what i want/lord knows it would be the first time

[i didn't read this before publishing. it may be pulled once i am actually sane and re-read it! enjoy while it's here...]

in regards...

i just wanted to make another comment about kids being bullied in school. my friend lesley's 9 year old son is also bullied regularly and as a parent you must feel a little out of control. i can tell lesley feels that way. what can a parent do besides complain to the school authorities or pull their child out and hope they aren't bullied in a new school? i too was bullied in school. it shattered my self-esteem into my adulthood and made me completely uninterested in school. i was bullied up until the last day of my senior year of high school. i was bullied for being gay - little did i know then that i was gay. [joke's on them, eh?] during my senior year, every day two boys in 4th period english and 5th period psychology (oooo, two classes in a row to torture me!) called me gay to my face as an insult. EVERY DAY. every day. i wasn't exactly insulted since i had no problem with being gay, if i was. because my parents taught me compassion i was able to clearly see that being called gay was not an insult. i ignored them all year but i will never forget dreading going to class. going to school. the problem here is that kids are calling other's "gay" as an insult. this has to start at home, parents. also, why aren't we teaching kids compassion in schools? why can kids get away with this? it's hideously harmful and hurtful to the child being bullied and the child doing the bullying. it is unacceptable and IT MUST STOP! carl hoover-walker's mother did everything right. she called the school officials repeatedly and was ignored. carl hoover-walker was bullied to death. i know kids are mean to each other but this is extreme. i better not hear of this happening to my niece or nephews. seriously. or them doing it to someone else. however, i know my sister and tim have instilled compassion in their children. it's not complicated, people. lead by example and you'll always be successful!

what about my trailblazers, huh? even though they lost last night they made a hell of a run a little too late last night. i do think they scared the rockets a bit there. their lack of defense and the inability to get anything to go down was truly frustrating. these teams are extremely well matched and all of these games are going to be hard won. i'm proud of my guys for not giving up - continuing to shoot and be aggressive. they are definitely the underdogs here but if they can steal one on sunday i think we have a chance. rip city uprise is at a full fever pitch here. signs in everyone's windows, businesses supporting the team and everyone in their gear on game day. last night at rsq every other table was sporting a tee-shirt, a jersey or hat supporting the boys on the road. go get em guys. watch those tapes. we've contained yao, now we need to contain luis scola and von wafer. these guys are desimating us. lamarcus did a good job on scola last night but he just couldn't miss. oh, and refs? just cause we are young and inexperienced doesn't mean the whistle shouldn't be blown on both ends. oh, and just because greg oden breathes on the ball doesn't mean he's commited a foul. give the kid a break! hang in there fellas. if anything, this is the most amazing learning experience and i think they've surprised some folks with their determination after being blown out in game 1.

RIP CITY UPRISE!!

wtf?

wow. this man is so full of hate i just don't know what to say. my "favorite" part of this rant is that the second caller only gets enough air time to praise "dr" savage and he cuts the caller off twice to hear his own voice. freedom of speech? how about other parts of that constitution, like "all men are created equal"? this man is sick and twisted. i'm sorry to whatever happened to him in his life that made him so un-compassionate. he's probably one of those guys who goes to seedy rest stops to get a blow job from a male prostitute.
check out these tragic stories about 2 11-year-old boys who took their own lives - they killed themselves over this! - because they were bullied at school about being gay. most kids aren't even aware of this at that age. bullying is not taken seriously enough at schools and i hope these two stories can change that...
carl joseph walker-hoover & jaheem herrera.

peace everyone.

uh, cute

if you saw ellen's show today you'll want to check this out before they take it down. i don't know how we can not let two people this in love be legally married. honestly. [you can probably see it at ellen's website too.]

my gayest entry yet!

http://www.wowowow.com/post/lesley-stahl-rachel-maddow-MSNBC-Fox-News-184110?page=0%2C0

go to the link above to finally read a really great interview with my mad crush, rachel maddow. she is so insightful, smart, funny, sarcastic and gay as gay can be. she's so gay, she claims to sometimes forget she's gay. it's true we don't go around all day long thinking we're gay. are you heteros continually conscious of your straightness?

speaking of gay - the beginning of the final season of nip/tuck is really starting to annoy me. first, FIRST, liz sleeps with christian? what? only to tell him she doesn't like men, she likes christian. then she has the gay nerve to sleep with him AGAIN! oh dear. to put the icing on the lesbian cake - so to speak - the character of olivia, played by portia de hottie de rossi, was killed off by going into cardiac arrest on the plastic surgery operating table. now i know this show is so over the top and all but are we to believe that portia de rossi degeneres is having plastic surgery? plus, if i was portia degeneres i would go slap ryan murphy for his pathetic lesbian storyline. it was offensive and if mrs. de rossi degeneres knew it would be edited that way i think she would have thought twice about taking that gay role. plus, i was promised some girl on girl action and there was one scene of the women laying in bed chatting. of course. the next scene is

of christian's bare ass giving it to twins. nice. oh, have i mentioned that ryan murphy is a gay man? that makes it worse.

whoa! sorry about that. it was all so annoying. so annoying, in fact, i don't think i'm going to finish this series up. take that ryan murphy!


[portia and joley richardson in their one scene in bed together on a show that thrives on sex. portia's a top? who woulda guessed?]

equality for all

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hnHyy8gkNEE

the video above is the most amazing thing i've heard about gay marriage. as keith says, it's not about gay marriage, it's about EQUALITY for everybody.

everybody.

civil rights part deaux

check out this article from the los angeles times. people are taking to the streets regarding prop 8. i love it. this is what i'm talking about people! this is america! we are proud to be american again! this proposition is unconstitutional and you know it. all of you hate mongers out there - you know it's unconstitutional. if you want to protect america you will help repeal this proposition. we ("the gays") are getting tired of being treated like second-class citizens and after taking such a huge step electing BARACK OBAMA PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, letting 8 pass just doesn't make sense. like president-elect BARACK OBAMA said, "it's our time."
be part of the revolution.

sad day

dear california,
i'm disappointed and disheartened at the too large a margin pass of proposition 8. 52.2% in favor, 47.3% opposed. it totally killed my obama buzz today as every time i got too excited, i remembered that you voted for discrimination, hate, and un-equality for everyone. we just went out in droves to elect the first african-american president, who 200 years ago would have been kept as a slave, and you can't let the homos have their little weddings? i paraphrase, mrs. ellen degeneres when i say that saying gay people can't be married is the very same as saying "you, sit in the back of the bus," "you,, can only use this bathroom," "you can go here but you can't go there." it's wrong. DISCRIMINATION IS UNCONSTITUTIONAL! the constitutional amendment sadly also takes away rights that had already been won. i'm hoping for a repeal on this ridiculous ban. kudos to all who were married prior to the election, as their marriages will remain legal and valid. to those opposed, guess what we are still gay. we are still going to commit to one another. that won't change. so take that california!
all my love, california,
caryn