randoms of "new" music

falling down ... scarlett johansson [yeah, the actress. she has a strange eclectic voice. this album of ton waits covers is so weird. her voice is concrete blonde - ish and sounds nothing like her authentic old-timey voice she uses on pete yorn's record.]

for today i am a boy ... antony & the johnsons [this MtoF transexual sounds like edith piaff sometimes.]

sheela na gig ... pj harvey [pj has had a serious resurgence in my life. thank god. her debut record, dry is so unbelievable. anything from this record is a true gem.]

yellow ledbetter ... pearl jam [i got this 7-disc live at the gorge cd at the library. all 7 cd's are amazing. not easy to say about live recordings. pearl jam - i've been dying to see them live.]

trying my best to love you ... jenny lewis [this album is a lovely follow-up to her wonderful rabbit fur coat from a couple of years ago.]

say so ... uh-huh her [alice from the L word's band. i love alice, formally of lezzie bands gush and the murmurs. this record is pretty gay, so if yr a "bian" check this one out.]

fancy ... yeah yeah yeahs [i'm pretty much down with anything YYY's. this is not a cover of the country song.]

whiskey can can ... beck [yes it can can]

baligaga ... tricky [love his beats. kinda sexy.]

someday soon ... cowboy junkies [the first song i've ever heard that margo is not leading the vocals.]

christians inferno ... green day [21st century breakdown is good but no american idiot.]

daydreamer ... adele [i love this debut record by adele. her voice is amazing and the songs are beautiful and age appropriate.]

i feel it all ... feist [her music is always a journey for me.]

baba o'riley ... pearl jam

a bad sign ... michael penn [cool record in which he's taken on the persona of mr hollywood jr 1947]

paris is burning ... st. vincent [thanks jenn!]

rain check ... ani difranco [surprisingly just getting in to ani...i'm so behind!]

so fast, so numb ... r.e.m. [found one of my favorite r.e.m. records at the library. i lost this one in the divorce and it somehow never found it's way into the itunes library.]

georgia ... the 1900's [from daytrotter.com]

vipassana and life

"Vipassana is one of India's most ancient meditation techniques. It is the process of self-purification by self-observation. One begins by observing the natural breath to concentrate the mind. Then, with a sharpened awareness, one proceeds to observe the changing nature of body and mind and experiences the universal truths of impermanence, suffering and egolessness. This truth-realization by direct experience results in mental purification.

The technique is a universal remedy for universal problems and has nothing to do with any organized religion or sectarianism. It can be freely practiced by anyone without conflict due to race, community or religion, and will prove equally beneficial to one and all."

i've been enrolled in a 10-day silent meditation retreat in southern washington. for those of you wondering if i am stable enough or determined enough to do it - you know it. i've talked to both my physician and my counselor and they both think it's a great idea for me. i'm so lost -- just personally. i'm dealing with all this (silently and not so silently!):

• no money. i'm not just saying, like, i'm broke. i'm saying i am dead broke. like "how do i keep shelter and food going" broke.
• loss of a friendship that i shouldn't even be worrying about.
• the near loss of a friendship that i should be nurturing.
• trying to bump my self-esteem back up.
• listening to scully meow continuously.
• i'm a trailblazer fan. (that's really hard!)
• how can i handle a friendship with someone i have feelings of like for, who feels similar but isn't ready to feel similar? am i ready to be feeling that way?
• i haven't been home to see my nephews and niece since christmas.
• self-sabotage.
• i have several sick relatives i think about everyday.
• honesty. truth.

these are the things i am grateful for:

• sharon. she keeps it real with me. always. i'm beyond grateful.
• diane jana helen jenn - my portland family.
• mom dad kris tim brent joe lauren.
• the rest of em.
• shelter.
• work - my awesome job. the job i have never once gotten up in the morning and not wanted to go there. my co-workers always lift my spirits. kd julia t are rays of true sunshine! your spirits can't help but be lifted.
• the love of my meowing cat!
• no car payment. (and that trixie is reliable!)
• a coffee place right across the street. what a gem that place is!
• being a trailblazer fan and season ticket holder. i can't afford it and i thought of not renewing. i waited until the last minute to renew.
• i got to date a really hot chick for about 3 months. the fact that someone was interested in me - even if just for a second. i forgot how wonderful that can feel - especially when you feel the same.
• my neighbor has chilled the fuck out.
• nature. portland is so beautiful. i've made an effort to get out and see it since returning from belize.

the scales are almost even. that's no good. i look forward to my retreat and learning how to center myself, how to respect my thoughts, how to respect me. it's never been easy for me but i'm gonna give it a go. i want all this taken care of by 40 so i can take a fucking break from all this and enjoy my life. my one life.

well?

i like the new layout.
you?

and the sadness prevails...

i miss her already.

equality

“Proposition 8 changed (things). Really for the first time in my life, I felt like I knew what it was like to feel discrimination and hatred. I felt less-than. I felt like my government was telling me that I wasn’t as important as everyone else and that I didn’t deserve the same rights and freedoms. I found myself having discussions with so-called liberal people about the word ‘marriage’ and I discovered that my expectation at being considered equal and wanting to be treated as such was extreme. So I started talking. I talked about injustice and inequality wherever I could. I shared private details of my life with Ellen to make a point and I talked about my frustration that a basic human right could be taken away by a majority vote. I developed a knack for turning any question into a discussion about gay marriage. ... And I won’t stop talking until equality is achieved and there’s nothing left to talk about.”

Portia de Rossi at the Human Rights Campaign’s Los Angeles Hero Awards Dinner, March 14, as transcribed by lgbtpov.com.

cycles

how come happiness comes in "waves"?
and then, just like a wave it goes away again.
then, it fucking has the decency to show it's face again.
and it's elation again.
then it's just a fucking bummer again.
why can't happiness come in something contained.
in a sealed off tank where it couldn't get out.
i wanna capture it and seal it off.
cause it feels so good - even the memory of it.
happiness that makes me smile.
feel something.
happiness that makes me just want to cry.
i can't seem to hang on to it, however.
it's like i have to be so aware of it to feel it.
why can't i just feel it like everyone else does.
how come it doesn't come naturally to me?
so many wonderful things in my life now.
it shouldn't be so complicated.

i think this all may be the result of too much therapy, for gods sake! oh and pms. i do feel all that and i'm glad i let the stream in my head out. not getting it out is how i start my cycle. it's an ugly cycle and i don't like caryn stuck in that cycle.

andre dunks ... watch it

a playlist

[just like old times...]

i hadn't done a playlist for a while and i'd been listening to this one for some time now.

'are you experienced' ... belly [i love this cover]
're stacks' ... bon iver [my co-worker michael told me to listen to these guys]
'you can do better than me ' ... death cab for cutie [i put this on my playlist because the title is awesome - so's the song]
'furr' ... blitzen trapper
'say that you'll do it' ... at dusk [got this from the library - i liked the cover]
'life & times' ... bob mould [from daytrotter sessions - awesome]
'this tornado loves you' ... neko case [this song has been in heavy rotation for some time now - i can't seem to tire of it]
'carbon' ... tori amos [i love this gem from the underrated "scarlet's walk"]
'man-size' & 'perfect day elise' ... pj harvey [had to have pj]
'i feel it' ... feist
'loved you all along' ... la strada [another band i discovered on daytrotter]
'acid tongue' ... jenny lewis [into this record right now]
'one' ... cowboy junkies [i think a beautiful cover of this song]
'heavy cross' ... the gossip [i didn't dig this song to begin with - it's grown on me quite a bit]
'girls just wanna have fun' ... starfucker [fun cover]
'fuck was i' ... jenny owens young [her version of 'hot in herre' is really amazing - watch out for the big stuffed animals]
'you're so vain' ... carly simon [daytrotter version - greatly updated and like new]

ani

i cannot name this
i cannot explain this
and i really don't want to
just call me shameless
i can't even slow this down
let alone stop this
and i keep looking around
but i cannot top this

if i had any sense
i guess i'd fear this
i guess i'd keep it down
so no one would hear this
i guess i'd shut my mouth
and rethink a minute
but i can't shut it now
'cuz there's something in it

we're in a room without a door
and i am sure without a doubt
they're gonna wanna know
how we got in here
and they're gonna wanna know
how we plan to get out
we better have a good explanation
for all the fun that we had
'cuz they are coming for us, baby
they are going to be mad
they are going to be mad at us

this is my skeleton
this is the skin it's in
that is, according to light
and gravity
i'll take off my disguise
the mask you met me in
'cuz i got something
for you to see
just gimme your skeleton
give me the skin it's in
yeah baby, this is you
according to me
i never avert my eyes
i never compromise
so nevermind
the poetry

i gotta cover my butt 'cuz i covet
another man's wife
i got to divide my emotions
between wrong and right
then i get to see how close i can get to it
without giving in
then i get to rub up against it
till i break the skin
rub up against it
till i break the skin

they're gonna be mad at us
they're gonna be mad at me and you
yeah, they're gonna be mad at us
and all the things we wanna do
they're gonna be mad at us
they're gonna be mad at me and you
they're gonna be mad at us
and all the things we like do

just please don't name this
please don't explain this
just blame it all on me
say i was shameless
say i couldn't slow it down
let alone stop it
and say you just hung around
'cuz you couldn't top it