an inward playlist

hey everyone.

i'm definitely writing about my vipassana experience and plan to post it here in a fun way. i can't wait to share it here. while there i had a playlist in my head. go-to songs if you will.

empire state of mind ... jay-z and alicia keyes [i'm glad i know all the words or it would have been really annoying. yes, i know all the words. shocked? didn't think so. if jesus payin lebron, i'm payin' dwayne wade]

little earthquakes ... tori amos [i don't mean the song 'little earthquakes' i mean the entire record. during one of my many non-meditating meditation sittings i sang the entire record from start to finish. 'crucify' to 'happy phantom' [which made me so happy when it popped up!] to 'little earthquakes' i sang em all!]

there's a hole in the bucket, dear liza ... unknown camp song [it's true. i couldn't help it. it would just come. then fix it, dear henry dear henry dear henry.]

hot in herre ... jenny owens young [jenny's version is far superior to the original. sorry nelly. it's just really a ridiculous song. why you at the bar if you ain't poppin the bottles what good is all this fame if you ain't f**kin the models]

that's it. pretty short list. i really did go silent there for about 7 days. total silence. body speech and mind. i wasn't thinking about song lyrics. for once. usually i'm singing something up there! days 8 and 9 were spent singing. the tori amos record was just so amazing to have recorded in my brain. i just love it and it speaks to me so personally. like she read every woman my age's diaries. all of em! then she made such a brilliant record of it for all of us to keep and cherrish and use for comfort when truly needed. i need 'little earthquakes' and it was there for me! thanks tori.

yellow bird flying

gets shot in the wing

good year for hunters

and christmas parties

and i hate

and i hate

and i hate

elevator music

the way we fight

the why i'm left here

silent

oh these little earthquakes

here we go again

oh these little earthquakes

doesn't take much to rip us into pieces

we danced in graveyards

with vampires till dawn

we danced in the faces of kings

never afraid to burn

and i hate

and i hate

and i hate

disintegration

watching us wither

black winged roses that safely change their color

i can't reach you

i can't reach you

give me life

give me pain

give me myself again

give me life

give me pain

give me myself again

oh these little earthquakes

here we go again

oh these little earthquakes

doesn't take much to rip us in to pieces

-tori amos

dland 2006

dland 2010

another fun family trip to the happiest place on earth.

self sabotage

is anyone else familiar with this classic self-demoralizer?

i sabotaged a decent, fun, playful, exciting relationship.

why.

why do i do this to myself.

my chances with this lady are now slim to none.

thanks to my self-sabotage.

the friendship?

moderate to slim.

i'm in shock.

in such shock that it's just hitting me like a ton of bricks.

i have to learn to build trust with others.

again.

how does one start this process?

it seems a vicious cycle.

how do i find the people with whom to build trust.

i thought i found that person.

briefly.

i used to trust what people were telling me.

now i'm always convinced it's not the truth.

that i'm being manipulated.

that in some way i'm the butt of everyone's joke.

that i'm walking around with a fucking "kick me" sign on my back.

perhaps i'm the living, breathing cosmic joke?

--

will this rain ever stop?

portland, i love you, but yr killing me with all this rain.

i can't handle it.

please, help a sister out.

i'm having a hard enough time bucking up ... but no sun?

c'mon!

--

oh, there are a few records i'm listening to right now.

you should too.

santogold by santogold

both sides of the gun by ben harper

for emma, forever ago by bon iver

daytrotter session 3/31/2009 by bob mould

brotherhood [disc1] by the chemical brothers

let it die by feist

human amusements at hourly rates by guided by voices

the blueprint 3 by jay-z

batten the hatches by jenny owens young

the fame monster by lady gaga

live at the gorge - september 5, 2005 [disc 2] by pearl jam

new adventures in hi-fi by r.e.m.

lady croissant [live] by sia

daytrotter session 3/20/2010 by this providence

daytrotter session 6/8/2009 by tricky [SXSW session]

bad day

bad day.

ended very bad.

i just want to sleep.

randoms of "new" music

falling down ... scarlett johansson [yeah, the actress. she has a strange eclectic voice. this album of ton waits covers is so weird. her voice is concrete blonde - ish and sounds nothing like her authentic old-timey voice she uses on pete yorn's record.]

for today i am a boy ... antony & the johnsons [this MtoF transexual sounds like edith piaff sometimes.]

sheela na gig ... pj harvey [pj has had a serious resurgence in my life. thank god. her debut record, dry is so unbelievable. anything from this record is a true gem.]

yellow ledbetter ... pearl jam [i got this 7-disc live at the gorge cd at the library. all 7 cd's are amazing. not easy to say about live recordings. pearl jam - i've been dying to see them live.]

trying my best to love you ... jenny lewis [this album is a lovely follow-up to her wonderful rabbit fur coat from a couple of years ago.]

say so ... uh-huh her [alice from the L word's band. i love alice, formally of lezzie bands gush and the murmurs. this record is pretty gay, so if yr a "bian" check this one out.]

fancy ... yeah yeah yeahs [i'm pretty much down with anything YYY's. this is not a cover of the country song.]

whiskey can can ... beck [yes it can can]

baligaga ... tricky [love his beats. kinda sexy.]

someday soon ... cowboy junkies [the first song i've ever heard that margo is not leading the vocals.]

christians inferno ... green day [21st century breakdown is good but no american idiot.]

daydreamer ... adele [i love this debut record by adele. her voice is amazing and the songs are beautiful and age appropriate.]

i feel it all ... feist [her music is always a journey for me.]

baba o'riley ... pearl jam

a bad sign ... michael penn [cool record in which he's taken on the persona of mr hollywood jr 1947]

paris is burning ... st. vincent [thanks jenn!]

rain check ... ani difranco [surprisingly just getting in to ani...i'm so behind!]

so fast, so numb ... r.e.m. [found one of my favorite r.e.m. records at the library. i lost this one in the divorce and it somehow never found it's way into the itunes library.]

georgia ... the 1900's [from daytrotter.com]

vipassana and life

"Vipassana is one of India's most ancient meditation techniques. It is the process of self-purification by self-observation. One begins by observing the natural breath to concentrate the mind. Then, with a sharpened awareness, one proceeds to observe the changing nature of body and mind and experiences the universal truths of impermanence, suffering and egolessness. This truth-realization by direct experience results in mental purification.

The technique is a universal remedy for universal problems and has nothing to do with any organized religion or sectarianism. It can be freely practiced by anyone without conflict due to race, community or religion, and will prove equally beneficial to one and all."

i've been enrolled in a 10-day silent meditation retreat in southern washington. for those of you wondering if i am stable enough or determined enough to do it - you know it. i've talked to both my physician and my counselor and they both think it's a great idea for me. i'm so lost -- just personally. i'm dealing with all this (silently and not so silently!):

• no money. i'm not just saying, like, i'm broke. i'm saying i am dead broke. like "how do i keep shelter and food going" broke.
• loss of a friendship that i shouldn't even be worrying about.
• the near loss of a friendship that i should be nurturing.
• trying to bump my self-esteem back up.
• listening to scully meow continuously.
• i'm a trailblazer fan. (that's really hard!)
• how can i handle a friendship with someone i have feelings of like for, who feels similar but isn't ready to feel similar? am i ready to be feeling that way?
• i haven't been home to see my nephews and niece since christmas.
• self-sabotage.
• i have several sick relatives i think about everyday.
• honesty. truth.

these are the things i am grateful for:

• sharon. she keeps it real with me. always. i'm beyond grateful.
• diane jana helen jenn - my portland family.
• mom dad kris tim brent joe lauren.
• the rest of em.
• shelter.
• work - my awesome job. the job i have never once gotten up in the morning and not wanted to go there. my co-workers always lift my spirits. kd julia t are rays of true sunshine! your spirits can't help but be lifted.
• the love of my meowing cat!
• no car payment. (and that trixie is reliable!)
• a coffee place right across the street. what a gem that place is!
• being a trailblazer fan and season ticket holder. i can't afford it and i thought of not renewing. i waited until the last minute to renew.
• i got to date a really hot chick for about 3 months. the fact that someone was interested in me - even if just for a second. i forgot how wonderful that can feel - especially when you feel the same.
• my neighbor has chilled the fuck out.
• nature. portland is so beautiful. i've made an effort to get out and see it since returning from belize.

the scales are almost even. that's no good. i look forward to my retreat and learning how to center myself, how to respect my thoughts, how to respect me. it's never been easy for me but i'm gonna give it a go. i want all this taken care of by 40 so i can take a fucking break from all this and enjoy my life. my one life.

well?

i like the new layout.
you?

and the sadness prevails...

i miss her already.

equality

“Proposition 8 changed (things). Really for the first time in my life, I felt like I knew what it was like to feel discrimination and hatred. I felt less-than. I felt like my government was telling me that I wasn’t as important as everyone else and that I didn’t deserve the same rights and freedoms. I found myself having discussions with so-called liberal people about the word ‘marriage’ and I discovered that my expectation at being considered equal and wanting to be treated as such was extreme. So I started talking. I talked about injustice and inequality wherever I could. I shared private details of my life with Ellen to make a point and I talked about my frustration that a basic human right could be taken away by a majority vote. I developed a knack for turning any question into a discussion about gay marriage. ... And I won’t stop talking until equality is achieved and there’s nothing left to talk about.”

Portia de Rossi at the Human Rights Campaign’s Los Angeles Hero Awards Dinner, March 14, as transcribed by lgbtpov.com.