gaga v madonna

we had a little discussion at work regarding gaga's total rip off of 80's madonna. here's the situation - gaga's tunes are particularly catchy and i quite like the music. however i don't get her wacky performance art [i.e. the meat dress] and her personification. madonna's point was very clear -- be the best. appeal to as many as possible. blend with the ebbs and flows of the music/entertainment industry. gaga has yet had an opportunity to prove that she's just as solid as madonna in that department. similarities: the music is very similar - catchy, great to dance to at the gay bar and a hook that stays in the brain for weeks on end. [stop callin' i don't want to talk anymore i left my head and my heart on the dance floor] pissing moms off across the land. guaranteeing never to be on the ellen degeneres show after sitting next to the vegan in aforementioned meat dress. edgy and the gays love her. hmmm. sounds like bette midler and cher before them.

can gaga change with the times though? not certain - it all seems very calculated so perhaps she's got something brewing.

whaddya all think?

madonna or gaga.

revelations

two days ago portia de rossi was on the oprah winfrey show talking about her struggles with anorexia, bulimia and coming out as a homosexual. i was surprisingly off that day and decided since it was oprah's last season, i oughta watch it. there she was talking about her book unbearable lightness a story of loss and gain. her madness of anorexia and bulimia. madness. she was crazy. she hated herself so much and had such a skewed image of her body [and how hollywood didn't help...]. she isolated herself to lonliness and puked her guts out after eating entire bags of cheetos and making herself throw it up into a bag somewhere behind a dumpster and use her t-shirt to clean herself up, only to toss it away and get back in her car and drive off. she never let anyone know how miserable she was. 82 pounds was her all time low. 168 her highest. i was shocked that she felt so bad about herself. i would look at someone like her, just like most of us would, and my closeted homo mind would think wow, she's beautiful. there's rumors of her gayness. how amazing would it be if someone who looked like her would come out. showing the world that you don't have to be stereotypically "dyk-ish" to be queer. things will be different by the time she comes out...if she ever does. i found myself drawn more to her story of her coming out. it seemed so much like mine. the fear. the shame. the loneliness. the isolation. the sadness. hating yrself, literally hating yrself for not being "normal" - like my sister or ... just everyone. i didn't know anyone who was gay growing up and let's face it, it was the 80's and i didn't start hearing about queers until AIDS came to be and then it was only men the media focused on. i didn't have any gay role models. kd lang had been out, but i didn't relate to her. ellen coming out in 1997 was historic. any lesbian around my age knows just where they watched her come out on national television. it was beautiful. portia came out in 2004 - when she began dating ellen. hmm. she's my age. how weird must it be to be dating, and soon marry, such an iconic lesbian. how weird...but how fucking normal. they seem to love each other so much and she credits ellen for showing her that love can save you. corny. true. i think.

her mother's struggle struck me too. i chose to not officially come out to my parents until i realized i'd been cheated on and broken up with. i needed my mommy. i told her meredith was leaving me. i knew it. it's ok if she would have been a little more honest and done it before she began cheating, perhaps it would have ended differently. i hear through friends that she's well. i'm glad. we all deserve love in our lives. i'll never forgive her for what she did to me, but i wish her well. mommy listened and told me it'd all be alright. her and dad would help me get the hell out of there. i was to look for an apartment immediately and they would foot the bill no questions asked. i felt awful after i hung up the phone. here i was 600 miles away and still running to mommy and daddy. depending on my parents like my safety net. they were NEVER not there to catch me. i felt like i'd used my mom that day to cry to. i never let her know anything that was going on. i lied to her. by not telling, i lied. i looked that day, found a place and then wrote my parents a 5 page letter explaining how gay i was and that by not telling them that it looked like i was ashamed of it. and i wasn't. i think about that now and know it wasn't true. i was ashamed of being gay. i felt like i let my parents down. that i wouldn't produce grandchildren for them or have a conventional life. i didn't want them to be disappointed or worry about me. they don't worry so much of my sister because she's happily married to probably the greatest guy ever. she's being taken care of. my life is this circle of people, my sister, tim, b j l , mom, dad. what if they decided it wasn't cool? what if my sister didn't let me see the boys anymore. my beloved boys. what if? i'd never know because i kept it a secret up until i was about to move to portland and i'd grown so close with my sister. i told her one day over coffee on her couch. i won't forget her reaction. i then felt bad for telling her and probably ruining her life. great, good job caryn. i hated myself for being selfish enough to just be me. i wanted to please and i was gonna do it. my sister and i didn't talk for a few weeks. but because i was moving to portland we were forced to see each other before i left. she cried and told me her truth. i cried too. i felt bad for leading her on all this time. my sister. unconditional love. i felt like even though i was moving away in a few weeks, we'd just solidified our relationship for life. my sister went to number 1 on the speed dial. for her, i die. truth. honesty. it's amazing. i always wondered what it would be like to someday be able to repay my parents for being who they are and instilling it in me and my sister - and now their grandchildren. letting us be just who we are and celebrating it to their friends. this is how i do it. today, i choose to be happy. live a happy life to repay my parents for what they've done for me. i do that because i know that's all they want for both my sister and me.

i now live my life so openly. i chose to go to a silent retreat and it opened the door for this kind of thinking. i was ashamed of being gay. of embarrassing my family. it's kept me from getting the kind of relationship i want - love, a partner who wants to be with just me. for me. for who i am. for once. as morrissey once said

please, for once in my life let me get what i want/lord knows it would be the first time

[i didn't read this before publishing. it may be pulled once i am actually sane and re-read it! enjoy while it's here...]

tha gorge

an inward playlist

hey everyone.

i'm definitely writing about my vipassana experience and plan to post it here in a fun way. i can't wait to share it here. while there i had a playlist in my head. go-to songs if you will.

empire state of mind ... jay-z and alicia keyes [i'm glad i know all the words or it would have been really annoying. yes, i know all the words. shocked? didn't think so. if jesus payin lebron, i'm payin' dwayne wade]

little earthquakes ... tori amos [i don't mean the song 'little earthquakes' i mean the entire record. during one of my many non-meditating meditation sittings i sang the entire record from start to finish. 'crucify' to 'happy phantom' [which made me so happy when it popped up!] to 'little earthquakes' i sang em all!]

there's a hole in the bucket, dear liza ... unknown camp song [it's true. i couldn't help it. it would just come. then fix it, dear henry dear henry dear henry.]

hot in herre ... jenny owens young [jenny's version is far superior to the original. sorry nelly. it's just really a ridiculous song. why you at the bar if you ain't poppin the bottles what good is all this fame if you ain't f**kin the models]

that's it. pretty short list. i really did go silent there for about 7 days. total silence. body speech and mind. i wasn't thinking about song lyrics. for once. usually i'm singing something up there! days 8 and 9 were spent singing. the tori amos record was just so amazing to have recorded in my brain. i just love it and it speaks to me so personally. like she read every woman my age's diaries. all of em! then she made such a brilliant record of it for all of us to keep and cherrish and use for comfort when truly needed. i need 'little earthquakes' and it was there for me! thanks tori.

yellow bird flying

gets shot in the wing

good year for hunters

and christmas parties

and i hate

and i hate

and i hate

elevator music

the way we fight

the why i'm left here

silent

oh these little earthquakes

here we go again

oh these little earthquakes

doesn't take much to rip us into pieces

we danced in graveyards

with vampires till dawn

we danced in the faces of kings

never afraid to burn

and i hate

and i hate

and i hate

disintegration

watching us wither

black winged roses that safely change their color

i can't reach you

i can't reach you

give me life

give me pain

give me myself again

give me life

give me pain

give me myself again

oh these little earthquakes

here we go again

oh these little earthquakes

doesn't take much to rip us in to pieces

-tori amos

dland 2006

dland 2010

another fun family trip to the happiest place on earth.

self sabotage

is anyone else familiar with this classic self-demoralizer?

i sabotaged a decent, fun, playful, exciting relationship.

why.

why do i do this to myself.

my chances with this lady are now slim to none.

thanks to my self-sabotage.

the friendship?

moderate to slim.

i'm in shock.

in such shock that it's just hitting me like a ton of bricks.

i have to learn to build trust with others.

again.

how does one start this process?

it seems a vicious cycle.

how do i find the people with whom to build trust.

i thought i found that person.

briefly.

i used to trust what people were telling me.

now i'm always convinced it's not the truth.

that i'm being manipulated.

that in some way i'm the butt of everyone's joke.

that i'm walking around with a fucking "kick me" sign on my back.

perhaps i'm the living, breathing cosmic joke?

--

will this rain ever stop?

portland, i love you, but yr killing me with all this rain.

i can't handle it.

please, help a sister out.

i'm having a hard enough time bucking up ... but no sun?

c'mon!

--

oh, there are a few records i'm listening to right now.

you should too.

santogold by santogold

both sides of the gun by ben harper

for emma, forever ago by bon iver

daytrotter session 3/31/2009 by bob mould

brotherhood [disc1] by the chemical brothers

let it die by feist

human amusements at hourly rates by guided by voices

the blueprint 3 by jay-z

batten the hatches by jenny owens young

the fame monster by lady gaga

live at the gorge - september 5, 2005 [disc 2] by pearl jam

new adventures in hi-fi by r.e.m.

lady croissant [live] by sia

daytrotter session 3/20/2010 by this providence

daytrotter session 6/8/2009 by tricky [SXSW session]

bad day

bad day.

ended very bad.

i just want to sleep.

randoms of "new" music

falling down ... scarlett johansson [yeah, the actress. she has a strange eclectic voice. this album of ton waits covers is so weird. her voice is concrete blonde - ish and sounds nothing like her authentic old-timey voice she uses on pete yorn's record.]

for today i am a boy ... antony & the johnsons [this MtoF transexual sounds like edith piaff sometimes.]

sheela na gig ... pj harvey [pj has had a serious resurgence in my life. thank god. her debut record, dry is so unbelievable. anything from this record is a true gem.]

yellow ledbetter ... pearl jam [i got this 7-disc live at the gorge cd at the library. all 7 cd's are amazing. not easy to say about live recordings. pearl jam - i've been dying to see them live.]

trying my best to love you ... jenny lewis [this album is a lovely follow-up to her wonderful rabbit fur coat from a couple of years ago.]

say so ... uh-huh her [alice from the L word's band. i love alice, formally of lezzie bands gush and the murmurs. this record is pretty gay, so if yr a "bian" check this one out.]

fancy ... yeah yeah yeahs [i'm pretty much down with anything YYY's. this is not a cover of the country song.]

whiskey can can ... beck [yes it can can]

baligaga ... tricky [love his beats. kinda sexy.]

someday soon ... cowboy junkies [the first song i've ever heard that margo is not leading the vocals.]

christians inferno ... green day [21st century breakdown is good but no american idiot.]

daydreamer ... adele [i love this debut record by adele. her voice is amazing and the songs are beautiful and age appropriate.]

i feel it all ... feist [her music is always a journey for me.]

baba o'riley ... pearl jam

a bad sign ... michael penn [cool record in which he's taken on the persona of mr hollywood jr 1947]

paris is burning ... st. vincent [thanks jenn!]

rain check ... ani difranco [surprisingly just getting in to ani...i'm so behind!]

so fast, so numb ... r.e.m. [found one of my favorite r.e.m. records at the library. i lost this one in the divorce and it somehow never found it's way into the itunes library.]

georgia ... the 1900's [from daytrotter.com]

vipassana and life

"Vipassana is one of India's most ancient meditation techniques. It is the process of self-purification by self-observation. One begins by observing the natural breath to concentrate the mind. Then, with a sharpened awareness, one proceeds to observe the changing nature of body and mind and experiences the universal truths of impermanence, suffering and egolessness. This truth-realization by direct experience results in mental purification.

The technique is a universal remedy for universal problems and has nothing to do with any organized religion or sectarianism. It can be freely practiced by anyone without conflict due to race, community or religion, and will prove equally beneficial to one and all."

i've been enrolled in a 10-day silent meditation retreat in southern washington. for those of you wondering if i am stable enough or determined enough to do it - you know it. i've talked to both my physician and my counselor and they both think it's a great idea for me. i'm so lost -- just personally. i'm dealing with all this (silently and not so silently!):

• no money. i'm not just saying, like, i'm broke. i'm saying i am dead broke. like "how do i keep shelter and food going" broke.
• loss of a friendship that i shouldn't even be worrying about.
• the near loss of a friendship that i should be nurturing.
• trying to bump my self-esteem back up.
• listening to scully meow continuously.
• i'm a trailblazer fan. (that's really hard!)
• how can i handle a friendship with someone i have feelings of like for, who feels similar but isn't ready to feel similar? am i ready to be feeling that way?
• i haven't been home to see my nephews and niece since christmas.
• self-sabotage.
• i have several sick relatives i think about everyday.
• honesty. truth.

these are the things i am grateful for:

• sharon. she keeps it real with me. always. i'm beyond grateful.
• diane jana helen jenn - my portland family.
• mom dad kris tim brent joe lauren.
• the rest of em.
• shelter.
• work - my awesome job. the job i have never once gotten up in the morning and not wanted to go there. my co-workers always lift my spirits. kd julia t are rays of true sunshine! your spirits can't help but be lifted.
• the love of my meowing cat!
• no car payment. (and that trixie is reliable!)
• a coffee place right across the street. what a gem that place is!
• being a trailblazer fan and season ticket holder. i can't afford it and i thought of not renewing. i waited until the last minute to renew.
• i got to date a really hot chick for about 3 months. the fact that someone was interested in me - even if just for a second. i forgot how wonderful that can feel - especially when you feel the same.
• my neighbor has chilled the fuck out.
• nature. portland is so beautiful. i've made an effort to get out and see it since returning from belize.

the scales are almost even. that's no good. i look forward to my retreat and learning how to center myself, how to respect my thoughts, how to respect me. it's never been easy for me but i'm gonna give it a go. i want all this taken care of by 40 so i can take a fucking break from all this and enjoy my life. my one life.