restaurant woes...

"You don't really need a tip, do you?"
-customer what lesley heard while said customer looked at the tip line on the credit card slip and after lelsey had helped her with her large order

i have recently written a couple of posts that may have opened your eyes to the harsh reality of the restaurant industry. above is a post lesley made regarding one of her many mind-boggling customer interactions as hostess. my co-worker kaiya also commented on the mary* and donald duck entry reminding me of said customer's bathroom habits. thank you kaiya, i was trying to forget that floating corn image...anyway, i digress. it's become a part of mine and lesley's monday thru wednesday routine to keep a running list of blog ideas...for me to blog about. i'm still flummoxed as to why she is so shy as to start her own blog of these wacky ideas. she's quite humorous. i also wanted to use the word "flummoxed." below are a few of our ideas from this week...
*fake name to protect the innocent

let's just start big people and i do mean big: sliced beef

this guy has to be one of my least favorite customers. my girls at the door know i don't like to wait on him so i haven't in a long time. sometimes he sits at the bar when i'm there. he's strictly a lunch guy. [i don't think i've ever seen him in at dinner. kaiya?] the nickname comes from yours truly because he always orders his brisket sandwich "sliced. not chopped." no matter how many times we tell him why it seems chopped and no matter how many times he orders it, it's always the same. we've gone to just leaving the fat on for him. ewe. anyhoo, one afternoon as i was delivering his food he made a joke so i laughed and made one back. this was one of the rare times he's come in with someone. lots of our customers love to be acknowledged. it makes them feel good and hell, we're cool and it feels good to feel so welcomed by cool people like us! i can't remember the joke because i was so appalled as to what happened next. as i walked away in my foxy cargo shorts he...wait for it...pinched my knee pit. many ally mcbeal watcher's will remember the silly little knee pit joke. i ran away as fast as i could into the kitchen to tell my superior that i'd been pinched in my knee pit - ON MY BARE SKIN - by sliced beef. everyone, even our spanish speaking cooks, cringed. i saw a small glimmer in my superior's eye (only for a second!) as she loves to give a good pinch. she can't help it. our relationship hasn't been the same. actually once the word spread about the knee-pit-pinch (kpp) no one really wants to go near him. i think rosey might be the only one safe, if you know what i mean! [rosey also carries a knife ... "i'll kill you old man!"] so...lelsey writes this on our list "what does sliced beef do for a living? (a) stalk little girls online or (b) orthopedic surgeon. this made me guffaw out loud. i'm going for (b) because even sliced beef wouldn't stalk little girls. online. right? orthopedics, however, is almost less believable if you saw this guy.

the "self-seater"

all of us who have worked in a restaurant that clearly states PLEASE WAIT TO BE SEATED hate, hate, hate the self-seater. first, it pisses off the hostess. she/he is not there just to look pretty. there is a flow to keeping a restaurant running smoothly and when a customer just walks in and helps themselves, it can ruin the pace. it pisses off the server because often you've already got too many tables you haven't gotten to and you have to go get the self-seater water and menus. this in turn pisses off the kitchen as they've been pushing your buzzer for the last 5 minutes to come get your frickin' food. it's a vicious cycle, people. please be patient - you're all going to get a seat and food. i promise.

hand prints...

it's really quite revolutionary to have bosses that care so much about the appearance of the their restaurant. they believe it's in the details, the quality, the service and consistency. they follow through with this is many ways. for example, everything we use is of the highest quality possible while keeping the prices low. they insist on quality service as it's part of who we are. let's try to give people a good experience every time and may our food be consistently delicious. and lastly, for god's sake, keep the glass clean! perhaps it's from our days in the corporate coffee business, but a glass front door with paw prints on it is not appealing. for some just walking into a restaurant is part of the experience. if the glass is gross with prints, what does that say about what it might be like in the kitchen? do you want to sit in a cozy window seat with some little tykes hand prints and smeared yams? i didn't think so. the front and side doors are a serious mystery. how do they become covered in hand prints. not just little ones either. both of these doors have push bars on them. why on earth would you push the door open directly on the glass when you could use the bar? most of us have lived our entire lives with push bars - this is not a recent invention. this could also lead to holding the door open when it's 15/100 degrees outside. as mom always said we're not trying to heat/air condition the neighborhood!

the sliced beef story really took it out of me. it's traumatic. more stories to come i'm sure. lesley won't let me stop. she's a real slave driver. nice to have you as well kaiya. feel free to add to the list. here's what i've got so far...

1. inside v outside seaters
2. blue shirts v orange shirts in a knock down bloody battle. who would win? don't worry, i don't get it either. i'll just write something about blue and orange shirts...
3. customer conversations
4. do you take visa? uh, are we living in the 1800's? this could also lead to taking the wrong cc slip...
5. similarities between mary* and the tv show battlestar galactica. hmmm. i better research that one
6. co-workers who want time off but never help others who need time off
7. managers who get too big for their britches (yeah, i'm talking to you!) just kidding...