cycles

how come happiness comes in "waves"?
and then, just like a wave it goes away again.
then, it fucking has the decency to show it's face again.
and it's elation again.
then it's just a fucking bummer again.
why can't happiness come in something contained.
in a sealed off tank where it couldn't get out.
i wanna capture it and seal it off.
cause it feels so good - even the memory of it.
happiness that makes me smile.
feel something.
happiness that makes me just want to cry.
i can't seem to hang on to it, however.
it's like i have to be so aware of it to feel it.
why can't i just feel it like everyone else does.
how come it doesn't come naturally to me?
so many wonderful things in my life now.
it shouldn't be so complicated.

i think this all may be the result of too much therapy, for gods sake! oh and pms. i do feel all that and i'm glad i let the stream in my head out. not getting it out is how i start my cycle. it's an ugly cycle and i don't like caryn stuck in that cycle.