vipassana and life

"Vipassana is one of India's most ancient meditation techniques. It is the process of self-purification by self-observation. One begins by observing the natural breath to concentrate the mind. Then, with a sharpened awareness, one proceeds to observe the changing nature of body and mind and experiences the universal truths of impermanence, suffering and egolessness. This truth-realization by direct experience results in mental purification.

The technique is a universal remedy for universal problems and has nothing to do with any organized religion or sectarianism. It can be freely practiced by anyone without conflict due to race, community or religion, and will prove equally beneficial to one and all."

i've been enrolled in a 10-day silent meditation retreat in southern washington. for those of you wondering if i am stable enough or determined enough to do it - you know it. i've talked to both my physician and my counselor and they both think it's a great idea for me. i'm so lost -- just personally. i'm dealing with all this (silently and not so silently!):

• no money. i'm not just saying, like, i'm broke. i'm saying i am dead broke. like "how do i keep shelter and food going" broke.
• loss of a friendship that i shouldn't even be worrying about.
• the near loss of a friendship that i should be nurturing.
• trying to bump my self-esteem back up.
• listening to scully meow continuously.
• i'm a trailblazer fan. (that's really hard!)
• how can i handle a friendship with someone i have feelings of like for, who feels similar but isn't ready to feel similar? am i ready to be feeling that way?
• i haven't been home to see my nephews and niece since christmas.
• self-sabotage.
• i have several sick relatives i think about everyday.
• honesty. truth.

these are the things i am grateful for:

• sharon. she keeps it real with me. always. i'm beyond grateful.
• diane jana helen jenn - my portland family.
• mom dad kris tim brent joe lauren.
• the rest of em.
• shelter.
• work - my awesome job. the job i have never once gotten up in the morning and not wanted to go there. my co-workers always lift my spirits. kd julia t are rays of true sunshine! your spirits can't help but be lifted.
• the love of my meowing cat!
• no car payment. (and that trixie is reliable!)
• a coffee place right across the street. what a gem that place is!
• being a trailblazer fan and season ticket holder. i can't afford it and i thought of not renewing. i waited until the last minute to renew.
• i got to date a really hot chick for about 3 months. the fact that someone was interested in me - even if just for a second. i forgot how wonderful that can feel - especially when you feel the same.
• my neighbor has chilled the fuck out.
• nature. portland is so beautiful. i've made an effort to get out and see it since returning from belize.

the scales are almost even. that's no good. i look forward to my retreat and learning how to center myself, how to respect my thoughts, how to respect me. it's never been easy for me but i'm gonna give it a go. i want all this taken care of by 40 so i can take a fucking break from all this and enjoy my life. my one life.