here comes the sun...

the sun tried so hard to come out and stay out yesterday. it was so cold here all day. i woke to trixie covered in icy snow. honestly. today the sun is out and i think should stay that way until mid afternoon. vitamin d! i like it. a walk is in my future. perhaps the east bank esplanade.
so, can we talk about facebook for a minute? this thing...i totally spoiled the top chef finale with my status! i didn't even think about it. my friend sarah said it was the first time she'd been spoiled by fb status. bummer. sharon says she wants out. sharon likes to be incognito - she doesn't want people knowing what's up or where she is. i feel similarly when people who were so horrible to me in my youth try to contact me. it's weird. anyhoo, we've talked about this before, it think.
well, i missed american idol this week because, well a) it was pre-empted by the president's amazing first speech to congress. let's thank all the networks for showing it - it was truly inspiring. and b) i had to record the trailblazer game. the game totally trumped a.i. ok, so the game was a heart breaker but my boys are staying competitive. the problem is they aren't strong for a full 4 quarters. they are horrible in the first and mediocre in the second. by the fourth? they come alive. it's really something to watch. i've seen them rally from 26 points in the fourth quarter. anyway, i digress. [remember that 25 random things? yep, there i was geeking out on the nba. call me if you really want to talk nba. i'm down.] what was i even talking about? oh, a.i. thank god norman/nick did not make it through. i liked the three that got through last night. allison (2 l's), adam (the distracting make-up guy) and kris (i don't remember this guy from anywhere!). kris was the weakest. his viva la vida was a disaster, i thought. that song is so distinctly coldplay - i would never attempt that. whatever, he fooled everyone. allison is probably the best singer chosen for the competition so far. and she's only 16 or something like that. wow. [the tv show las vegas is on mute in the background and jon lovitz is on and he always plays such a weird guy i can only imagine the storyline. i watched the pilot of this show and thought it would never make it. i didn't like it so much.]
i'm pleased to say i'm seeing a light at the end of my very dark tunnel. wow, i really went on a 6 month emotional journey of sorts. in the process i hurt one of my dearest friends in the world feelings with my shenanigans. i realize now that i was in the process of sabotaging this once in a lifetime friendship because i thought she was getting too close. i didn't want her to see that perhaps caryn isn't what she projects to the world and that if i just bamboozled it first; i wouldn't risk having my heart broken. i could not see anything through my serious, serious depression. i see now that having someone in your life you can be real with is rare and that i should be embracing it. i start today. actually, i started yesterday. i started asking for help and for a friend to listen. and they did. i'm so grateful. i've not been honest in any of my relationships in the last 5 years and i am truly sorry to everyone who has been in or out of my life during that time.
but today i reclaim caryn.
the bear.
care bear.
carynane.
sister.
auntie.